Friday, September 30, 2011

Pick-Me-Up!

I've been reading a lot of other blogs lately and I keep running across a constant theme. So many people are down just like me. Down on themselves, unmotivated, and/or depressed.

Is this just a random walk? Am I seeing a pattern that doesn't really exist? Or is there so many tragic and depressing things going on in the world and our own lives right now that we are truly depressed?

A reoccurring statement is pondering why they're feeling this way; that they, like me, actually have lots of really good things going on in their lives right now.

I think we all deserve a pick-me-up!



Okay, maybe flowers aren't your thing...how about a coffee date with a friend? A movie? Take your family to the park? Maybe a family game night? Snuggle on the couch with someone you love?

I believe I need a fresh perspective, and I'm definitely on the look out.

Happy Friday ya'll.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Gone Fishin'

Do you hating asking for feedback as much as I do?

Whether it's my writing or my attire or my new haircut, I feel like crap asking. It's not that I'm fishing for compliments or trying to feed my ego. How can I improve or change if I'm only relying on my own distorted viewpoint?

I feel like if I have to prompt you for feedback it wasn't that great. Or I don't look as nice as I thought I did. Or maybe you just don't care. Plus, how can it be authentic if I put you on the spot?


I guess this blog post counters my argument since it is sort of asking.

I can't win.

"Each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves." -MLK

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Bonus Blog Post

Not too long ago I wrote a short called The Cabin. My dear friend, RS Emeline, felt compelled to give it a more, shall we say, definitive conclusion.

I must say, I love the results.  Please go here, check it out and follow her for more awesome stuff!

Authenticity

I was contemplating the other day why I blog. Honestly I started mostly because my good friend RS Emeline was doing it. I figured I could mess around with some stuff, throw some of my writing out there and help generate interest for her amazing writing and the wonderful YA novels she's writing. (Not that she needs my help, she's fabulous and capable all on her own.)

My enthusiasm for it lasted about a week. Then this blog sat idle for nearly a year until something RSE said prompted me to start again. I really enjoy writing, painting a mental picture with words, finding the right one to give you, the reader, the same mental picture I have. It's like trying to describe colors to someone.

"I just got a new blue shirt."

What color blue did you picture? Light blue, dark blue, navy blue? The English language is so robust in its descriptors...like having a fridge full of condiments <wink>.

"I just got a v-neck, short sleeve t-shirt as blue as the Aegean Sea." (Now, we're thinking more along the same lines.)

I also decided I like to blog because I feel like I have a non-judgmental audience. (Although, some posts have been misinterpreted as personal rather than introspective.) I can blog about emotional insecurity. I can share with you how incredibly blue I've been. How hard these last couple weeks have been and how this one doesn't feel any better. I can tell you I feel incredibly disconnected. I can also flip the coin and tell you how ridiculous I'm being because I have many, many things to be grateful and happy for.

Which brings me to authenticity.

Unless your blog specifically represents itself as a resource for something or as the virtual face of a business, I think you should blog what you want. I keep looking at this blog and thinking I should blog something happy or positive.  Problem is, lately I don't feel happy or positive. Therefore, I think I should blog what I want.

I think I should "blog authentically."  I think if I feel down and want to write about it I should.  I think that if I hear something controversial on the news and I have an opinion I want to share, I should go ahead and do so.  I think if I want to blog about politics or religion, I should.

Certainly I can be respectful in expressing my opinion, but I don't think that I should type on eggshells when I blog.

What do you think? Do you want to read what's genuinely on a blogger's mind? Or should they write what they think you want to read? Something that's "politically correct" or neutral or happy?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Sun Up

In the summer, when the days are longer, do you ever notice that you just naturally wake as the day dawns? Sure, if its the weekend, you might turn back over and go right back to sleep, but your body, at least as I understand from science/medicine/whatever, has a natural sleep/wake cycle.

Since its now pitch dark when I wake up in the morning, I have a hard time getting up. I've decided to employ the assistance of a nifty device called the Sun Up. It's essentially a visual alarm clock. I hook it up to my bedside lamp and tell it when I want to be awake.  I also give it the interval I want to use; in other words, how quickly do I want the "sun" to rise.

The first morning I used it I kinda blinked awake and wondered what woke me up. It was a much nicer awakening than the harsh beeping of my alarm. The second morning was a similar feeling of calm and slowly coming alert. I did notice however, that I wake pretty quickly. The interval was set for thirty minutes and I was awake ten minutes into the cycle.

I think I like it. Why start my day being jolted from whatever sleep I managed to slip into only a few hours before? Especially since its pretty much gonna be dark here for the next six months.

Yippee

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Rendezvous - Part 2

Hello. If you haven't had the chance, you might want to read Part 1 here first. Happy reading!



The Rendezvous - Part 2
by KK Sierra

He checked the clock on his dash. Thirty minutes before his babe’s plane landed; plenty of time to grab a pack of cigarettes and a can of Skoal. It was a nasty habit he knew, but not one he was ready to give up.

The convenience store was brightly lit and well designed. The aisles were wide, angling out from the counter to allow the clerk to see customers at any location in the store. The glass front ensured visual confirmation of anyone at the gas pumps, as well.

Standing in line behind a woman, he waited his turn to make his purchase. The woman looked like she hadn’t showered in at least a week and the pungent odor wafting from her made him step back a pace.

“Two thirty-two,” the clerk told the woman.

With painstaking deliberation, she pulled change out of her dirty shorts and one coin at a time, carefully counted out a few quarters, nickels and pennies. Stifling a sigh, he pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time.

The escalating whine caught his attention seconds before the Mazda crashed through the plate glass. He didn’t think, just reacted. With a step forward, he caught the woman around the waist and drug her with him as he pulled them both over and behind the counter, gashing his arm open as they went. The glass in the counter shattered as it was clipped by the passenger side mirror.

A scream was cut off as the car crashed in the back of the store, and then relative silence. The incident had lasted mere seconds.

The scene was surreal as he pried the sobbing woman’s fingers from his arm and helped her get to her feet. She was alright, as was the clerk who was muttering, “oh holy shit.”  Steam hissed from the engine of the car where it rested among the cold sodas and chocolate milk.

His military training had him instinctually aware of his surroundings and he knew exactly where every person had been in the store prior to the car crashing through. Seven people, in all; himself, the clerk, the woman, a man at the soda fountain, two teens in the candy aisle, and a woman at the end cap looking at donuts. He quickly surveyed the room. The donut woman was missing.

Skirting the counter, and stumbling around in the debris, he followed the path of the car. Donut boxes, among other things, had exploded on impact with the car. On the far side of the car, he saw an arm. With authority he spoke to the clerk, “Call the police.” He glanced inside the car at the driver. The old man’s face reflected death. He suspected he’d had a heart attack. Reaching through the open passenger window, he checked the man. The old man had no pulse. He knew there was nothing more he could do for him, and instead focused his attention on the woman. “Tell them we need two ambulances.”

Beckoning Soda Fountain guy he said, “Come help me.” On his hands and knees beside the car, he tried to see the woman. He checked her wrist and found her pulse to be weak, but steady. “See if the clerk has a flashlight. I can’t see anything.” He didn’t want to move her from under the car, until he’d checked her out a little better.

With the flashlight in hand, he was able to see her face. She appeared to be unconscious. Nothing jumped out at him to indicate he needed to leave her under the car until she could be better stabilized. “Help me move her,” he asked Soda Fountain guy.

Together they carefully slid her from under the car. “Hold her head,” he instructed Soda Fountain guy. He helped him put his fingers on either side of her ears, toward her body, keeping her head still.  She wasn’t moving, but it was important to stabilize her head to prevent further trauma. "Don't let her move."

Running through a ingrained mental checklist, he gave her a once over. Her breathing was labored and his exam revealed obviously broken ribs. He suspected significant internal bleeding. However, since she was breathing on her own and there was no more than superficial bleeding to stop, there was little else he could do to help her.

The paramedics arrived shortly thereafter and he let them take over. The clerk was still standing behind the counter and handed him a pack of cigarettes as he walked by. Guess he just had “I need a smoke” written on his face. He walked outside. The parking lot awash with the garish flashing of emergency lights. News crews wouldn't be far behind.

The dirty woman came over to where he stood smoking the much needed cigarette. They matched now; his clothes were filthy, covered with the remnants of broken shelving, dry wall, soda bottles, food and blood. “Thanks,” she said shyly. “I think this is yours.” He took his cell phone and grimaced.  He knew not memorizing phone numbers would someday bite him in the ass. These days he didn’t even bother to memorize the number to his work. Why bother when everything was so conveniently stored in his phone and synced with his computer at home.

Now, looking at the smashed face of his phone, he swore. His babe was waiting; probably waffling between worry and anger. He thought about the young woman inside and how she only wanted donuts. He reflected on how short life was and how quickly it could be taken away. He and his babe were going to have a serious talk soon. 

###

Sunday, September 25, 2011

What's for dinner?

I don't know what the deal is, but there is always more condiments in my fridge than actual food. I'm never sure how it works out that way.

Actual edible, life sustaining things in my fridge right now:  eggs, tortillas, lettuce, yogurt, apples, lunch meat, cheese.

Sure, there are a few other things in there that can be combined with pantry items to sustain life: milk (+ cereal), jam (+ bread and peanut butter), cream cheese (+ bagels).

Pretty much, however, my fridge is full of a variety of salad dressings, mustards, mayo, soy sauce, salsa, Tabasco, jams and jellies, beer, and butter.

Funny thing is, there's a lot of stuff that will probably not get used. The hoisen sauce, for example, that was purchased for a delicious Thai meal. Not enough for a whole second meal, but too much to just "toss". I hate being deliberately wasteful. Perhaps I'm not being creative enough in my cooking. Maybe I need to be way more serious about meal planning.

Sigh.  Please tell me someone else's fridge looks like this.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Surprises

I love surprises. I love giving them and getting them.

They can be big, like an unexpected vacation, or small, like flowers at work, either way, surprises are awesome.

When I was pregnant I didn't find out what any of my kids were going to be.  This shocked a lot of people, especially since ultrasounds are done so readily and the information is typically just right...there.  LOL. Nope, not me. There wasn't anything I could do to change what they were going to be. I wanted to be surprised. I really looked forward to the Doctor saying, "Congratulations, here's your new baby <insert gender>."

My friend just recently found out he and his finance are having a baby. He wondered how in the world do you shop when you don't know what it is?  Gender neutral, my friend.  Not only that, newborn babies really, really, really don't need much.

A dear friend surprised me not too long ago with a trip to a theme park. I'd never been, even as a child. It was probably one of the best days ever. We did rides, ate yummy food, watched fireworks. I felt truly spoiled and loved that day.

Speaking of surprises, my coworker told me his recent nightmare story of an attempt to surprise his wife by cooking dinner for the family. It included smoke detectors and fire. I hate it when a surprise doesn't work out.

I have a surprise...or two, up my sleeve. I'm not telling anyone a single clue. None whatsoever. It makes me all giddy inside in anticipation. I'm crossing my fingers they work out.

Well, I'm off to play Cinderella. It's the weekend and sadly, there is no playing for me today.  Hope you're all having a great one!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Fun with the Internet

I was in my room when I heard my son say distinctly, "Three. Doors. Down."  As far as I knew he was in his room alone so I was confused by this statement.

I asked him what he was doing.

He tells me that Google has speech enabled searching.

It does??

Yep, sure enough, if you go to Google and look in the search area, there is a little microphone icon.

Of course we had to say all kinds of random stuff to see what Google would recognize and what it wouldn't.  We started with our names.  It wasn't even close.  Then places around us and my friends' job titles. Again, a no go. Finally I asked, "Google, why can't you spell correctly?"  That came up perfectly, triggering laughter from everyone.

Another fun thing to do on the internet? Cleverbot.  It's really not that clever, but my kids get a kick out of it, its clean fun, and I enjoy watching them giggle.

My personal favorite nonsensical thing to do on the internet? Mr. Doob.

Whoever he is, he has brought us the fun gross-out known as Sphere:

Seriously...play with this one. Just drop any picture on the screen
and watch Sphere turn it inside out.



And the ever entertaining Google Gravity:


It's Friday...go play a little.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Fail

Do you ever have one of those lifetimes months weeks when nothing you say seems to come out right? When even situations you handled well seem like they've gone horribly awry?  The last couple weeks have felt that way.

There's been a couple situations that turned out alright in the end...I think (one still feels only semi-resolved)...but I still feel awful about what happened and the way it happened.  Even if I had legitimate concerns, I feel like I handled it all poorly.

I don't look cute like this with my foot in my mouth.

The worst is when stuff is coming out of your mouth and it's like an out of body experience.  When you're watching yourself spew, know it's ridiculous, and are powerless to make it stop.

It's like this, only not pretty...more browns and moldy greens.

I've got some icky sinus thing and I don't even feel it's fair to blame it on that.  After all, other people have horrible illnesses and they can be nice...and reasonable.

Ultimately, I blame the toll of long endured stress. There's pretty much only three months of the year left. 2011 is almost over and I'm still stuck in the same predicament I started the year in, but with ever rising stakes. It makes me want to swear at the universe over the unfairness of it all...although I know this is silly and will accomplish nothing.

I also blame fear. I was confronted with losing something very special and important to me. Sometimes you don't realize just how profound an impact something has in your life until you think you've lost it.

If I gave you bad info, threw you under the bus or to the wolves, answered a question I shouldn't have, was snippy, or snarky, or just poorly behaved, I'm sorry. I'm certain to expel this demon soon...one way or another.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Nectar of Life

I am not happily a morning person (this has been mentioned before). I'm not a really grumpy morning person either. Once I'm actually awake, I do alright.  However there are a couple things that make my morning.

1) Greetings from my babe.
2) Coffee.

Oh sweet heavenly caffeinated goodness. I'll take it in any form: black, sweetened with cream, espresso, IV.


"Coffee?"

"Oh baby, you say such sweet things."



High stakes bribery can take either of the preferred forms below:

1) Triple venti non-fat caramel macchiato (only Starbucks, please...no one else does it right)

2) 20-ounce non-fat coconut mocha (hold the whip cream)


Just sayin'. (I prefer my coffee hot, by the way.)


Happy Wednesday Ya'll.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Someone's Sister

I think we'd all like to believe our children are perfect. It can be quite disconcerting when we come across things that prove our children are not so young any more and definitely not perfect.

Not all parents may agree with me, but I allow my oldest to have email and be social online with his friends with the provision that I have access to his accounts and he doesn't hide things. I don't take advantage of his privacy often, just occasionally peek into his world. He and I have a pretty good relationship and talk often, so I don't feel the need to poke around with much frequency.

What I found today shocked me. I've read erotica less explicit than the saved chat log I found between him and his girlfriend. (Ironic that I just blogged about trust, right?!)

When I asked him about it, he responded as you'd expect from any teenager. "What's the big deal? Everyone at school talks/behaves this way."

As a teen mother myself, I know exactly what the big deal is.  It took some time and some tears, from both of us, before he finally understood.

The thought that finally got through and made the rest of the pieces fall into the big picture for him? "How would you feel about the boy who has that conversation with your sister?" 

His response, "I'd kill him." 

"Son," I asked, "what makes it okay for you to be that boy?"

I pray he keeps that in mind as he continues to travel down the road to manhood. He's seen the less than stellar example of his father. He's seen the much better example of his friends' fathers. I hope he remembers that the girls and women he encounters in life are someone's sister, someone's daughter, and treats them with the same respect he'd like to see his mom and his sisters treated.

Monday, September 19, 2011

It's Just a Little Thing

Trust.

from: www.seattleartglass.com
A pretty little glass ball, capable of being tossed by the sea, and yet susceptible to cracks and stress fractures. Trust is such a fragile thing that I really don't understand why it isn't treated with more care.

Trust can be earned and trust can be gifted. There are several variations of the definition according to Merriam-Webster.

With your children they earn trust with their behavior. This would fall under: to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear. You've watched them grow and instilled in them values.  So that first time you leave them unsupervised, send them out with friends, or give them the keys to the car, you say, "I trust you." Based on their behavior, they've earned your trust. You trust that they'll follow the rules in your absence, stay out of trouble, drive carefully, etc.

The first time they fail, your trust takes a hit. However, they're your children so you address the situation. You do your best to teach them from the mistake, they work hard, your trust is re-earned and you try again.

Relationships between friends are also based on trust. It's both earned and gifted. I believe the correct definition in this case is: to place confidence in: rely on. The first gift may be trust over a shared confidence, or a borrowed favorite pair of shoes. Over time, the trust grows as it is both earned and continues to be gifted. You trust your friend to keep your secrets, to be there for you when you need to vent, and you trust their emotional support. The first time you find out they've betrayed something between the two of you, you may not immediately react and end the friendship, but your friendship will be damaged. You'll find yourself questioning everything they say and do. You'll share less with them in an effort to protect yourself. It takes a lot of effort to rebuild that trust.

Relationships between a couple, that's a much deeper level of trust, especially if you're intimate or have exchanged expressions of love. This more along the line of: to commit or place in one's care of keeping; to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of.  It takes incredible trust to hand a person your heart. To share with them your deepest needs, worries and fears, to admit your weaknesses.

In this case, trust is truly a gift, and the giver takes a huge risk.

When you've opened your heart to trust someone, why do they not understand the fragility of that trust? Especially if the giver has been hurt in the past and is tentatively reaching out. White lies, lies of omission, they're all still lies. What they don't know won't hurt them is such bullshit.

Love is being worthy of that gift of trust.

Why lie about something when there is no reason to?  Why say you're reading a book when you're really playing video games? Who cares either way? It's your free time, or your GPA at stake. Why be vague about who you're with or what you're doing? It just leads to wondering about what else you're not being honest about. If they've never before had a reason not to trust you, you've just given them one.

The lie, the omission, no matter how small, puts little cracks in trust. Eventually, like those pretty glass floats, a little pressure on those cracks, and its gonna shatter in your hand.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Purgatory

I think limbo must be the worst kind of torture. Granted, I've never experienced real torture, so I'm sure someone will tell me I'm wrong.

Think of all the things that are hard or tedious for you to do: school, work, being separated from someone you love, a work out, etc.

School: as awful as it may be has a definitive deadline. You can count down the days until your next weekend, your next break, until the end of the semester, etc.

Work: for most will never go away unless we win the lottery, but still has a definitive (although resetting) countdown. The end of the day, the end of the week, your next vacation, or until you find a new job.

A workout:  Even as you push yourself to the point of dying, the workout has to end at some point. If its a class, it'll end at a designated time.  If you're being driven to run a mile, it'll end at the end of the mile. No matter how it feels, it won't last forever.

The indeterminable however, that is the worst. Purgatory. The waiting with no sure timeline. That is what starts to wear on you. And wear. And wear. It makes you a little crazy I think. 

I want to stop waiting on other people to act. I want to get on with my life. 

The waiting. The wishing. The wanting. The missing.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

It's Just a Drink, or Ten

Earlier my dear friend, RS Emeline, tweeted this blog post.  It got me to thinking and I decided to share with you.

My own philosophy on drinking in front my children is this:  I don't hide it. Nor do I glorify it. If I drink around them it is in moderation. My fear is that if it's hidden from them it'll become one of those "secret" adult things they can't wait to try.

My own mother never drank. She expressed that as a young woman she'd had what she described as an allergic type reaction and never touched it again.  My father would occasionally have my mother pick up a six pack of beer. It would sit in the fridge for ages, until on some particularly hot afternoon after a long day working in the hay fields, my dad would relax with an ice cold Rainier beer. I had an uncle who was quite fond of Jack and coke but I swear my dad had the same bottle of Southern Comfort for most my early childhood.

My folks were never the type to bring a case of beer to a BBQ. They weren't the type that thought an event had to include alcohol to be fun. They really frowned on public intoxication. They were also very sensible and couldn't fathom spending $9 on a fruity drink with an umbrella. I grew up exposed to responsible drinking.

Several years ago, four families and ours went on a camping trip. I believe my oldest was twelve at the time. There were three boys older than him along: brothers, one barely thirteen and the other fifteen, and their friend, between the two in age.

On these "social" camping trips, we don't do much hiking or nature loving. It's more about the time spent hanging with friends, enjoying the campfire, playing card games and just in general relaxing. We arrived on Friday evening and found the parents of the boys mentioned above well on their way to "happy." By the time tents were erected and dinner dishes were cleaned up and put away, they were swaying on their feet.

The smaller kids were running around our campsite, but the older kids were at the adjacent site. It was dark already and campfires were being enjoyed at all three campgrounds. My friend and I stuck close to our site because of our smaller children and the other adults roamed in and out.

My older children had been darting back and forth between the sites and found that the young teen boys at the far site were drinking beer. "Oh yeah, we bought it for them," was the reaction of their mother. "They just have a couple." She then sent her man to check on them.

Excuse me? You bought it for them? Turns out they'd purchase a case of beer for the boys. Which because the boys were completely unsupervised, as their parents were also three sheets to the wind, they consumed the entire thing. The results were not pretty and ruined the camping trip.

I'm not going to go into the details, but I will say the event, as unpleasant as it was, turned into a very valuable teaching lesson for my own children.  We were in tents after all.  There was no hiding the obnoxiousness that accompanied the various stages of drunk. There was the loud laughter and stupid behavior, followed by the loss of control and ridiculous behavior, followed by the vomiting and the crying, and finally the hangover the next day.

We'd never camped with that family before and didn't know their philosophy that kids drinking in what they considered a "safe" environment with adults was okay.  I assure you we never camped with them again. In fact based on the fallout the next day (excuses, followed by justification, followed by anger), we determined they weren't the type of family we'd continue to befriend.

I wouldn't wish such an event on any family, but I'm glad my kids have seen alcohol in both moderation and in excess.  I'm glad we had the opportunity to discuss it. I don't think alcohol should be hidden from them; that on the occasion I'd like a beer, I shouldn't drink it until they're in bed. I don't think they should ever see alcohol used as a coping mechanism. I want them to have a good example to follow. I don't believe alcohol is bad or evil. I don't want their only impressions of alcohol to be the glorified commercials between plays on game day, the scenes they see in movies, and the tales their friends tell.

Balance and moderation. How about you? What do you think?

Friday, September 16, 2011

I Don't Fetch Coffee or Take Messages

If I haven't given you the whole "about me" picture yet, I'm sorry. I work in IT. Among a long list of other things, I provide technical support for our software. It used to be just me and the Boss that did this. Now, a few years later, we have two other tech support people and a third support staff gopher type person. Lucky for me, I no longer spend all day doing tech support. This is a good thing. I don't think my heart could handle it. My liver either.

Today's piss-me-off conversation went something like this:

Annoying Guy (AG from here forward): "Hey, can I get one of your tech support guys?"

Me: "I am one of those tech support guys." (Who do you think I am? The effing receptionist? You sexist jackass.)

AG: "Oh, well, we connected up yesterday and one of your guys did a bunch of updates to our system and now our software isn't working."

Me: "Uh huh." (Because of course, we're the only ones who could have possibly had any effect whatsoever on your computer, realistically this is our fault. There's no way you're surfing the net, playing games, or downloading porn on your office computer, right?) "So, what exactly is happening?"

AG: "I have to keep restarting and it's acting funny."

Me: (Just for fun, I'm gonna make an educated guess...) "Do you have a mixed environment? XP machines don't play very well with Windows 7 machines."

AG: "Yes, we have both."

Me: "Which one is functioning as your server?"

AG: "The XP machine, I think."

Me: (You think? We deal in specifics here jackass, not "I think." When you get a new client do you accept, "I think"? We both know you don't.) "Can you confirm that? It's important."

AG: "Yeah, its an XP."

Me: "Okay, then why don't you connect your computer up to me and I'll poke around in your system." (AG bitches and moans for several minutes while I wait....and wait...finally...) "I don't see you connecting up yet."

AG: "This is the first time I've called you guys. I don't know what to do."

Me: (Wait a minute? What? Really jackass?!?! Pretty sure you said at the beginning of this conversation, "We connected yesterday." If you didn't connect yesterday and you clearly don't know what's going on, why the fuck am I even talking to you? Why are you acting like you have answers and information when you obviously don't? How about you put someone on the phone who has a clue, eh?) "Oh, okay, well, go to XXX and click YYY."

AG: "I can't, it's all locked up."

Me: (Glaring at phone, wondering why he didn't say so to start with, preparing to offer an alternative...) "What exactly is all locked up? The program or the computer?"

AG: "The whole computer. Do I need to reboot it?"

Me: (What exactly do you expect me to do about that from here jackass?? Do you think I have some magic genie wand that unfreezes computers from across the United States?) "Yes, please." (You freaking douche bag without a brain.)

AG: "I guess I'll have to call you back."

Me: (Oh can you please!?! I'm just sitting here on pins and needles for the opportunity to talk to you again.) "Okay then. Have a nice day." (Eye twitching at this point.)

<rant>

We're talking about computers here. As "random" as things may appear, I assure you they are not random. They are very black and white. Do a, b and c get result 1. Do b, c, and then a, get result 2.

Granted, the programmer's logic may make things a little funky, you may find a loophole in his logic, but this is because programmers are HUMAN.

Human's make mistakes.

Computers just read code and follow steps. So if your computer is acting up, I need a very specific, "I did this and then this and finally this." Armed with THAT kind of information, I can usually figure out what happened and help you.


I hope you take two things away from this 1) a giggle...this was supposed to be entertaining, and 2) give your IT guy a break. He (or she) needs specific information. If you really are that clueless, get the hell out of his way so he can poke around and try to recreate whatever the hell you did.

Just as a general side note, if you know the answer to something, why ask in the first place? Professionals, be they IT guys or doctors or whatever, really despise giving you an answer and then having you say, "you're wrong."

LOL...one more side note about IT people...there are a lot of jerks out there that claim to be IT guys. Having "geek" in front of their business name doesn't mean anything no matter how big the brand is that's attached to them. There is very little to regulate anyone from saying, "I'm an IT guy." Certifications mean they can pass a test, not that they actually know anything useful. You can watch a whole lot of money disappear without getting anything resolved. Choose wisely, get referrals and for goodness sake, if you get a good one, hang on to him (or her).

</rant>

PS Hope you all have lovely plans for the weekend. :)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Cabin - A Short Story

The Cabin
by KK Sierra

Sydney felt like a bit of a fool but she couldn't shake the sick ache in her stomach or the empty twist in her heart that told her something was seriously wrong in her world.

She thanked the driver and stepped out into the dark, nearly slipping on the ice hidden under the new snow. The steep dirt road that led to the cabin was too much for anything but a four-wheel drive or an automobile with chains to safely traverse. She'd make the last mile to the cabin on foot.

The lights of the car faded long before the sound of its engine. Hugging herself she shivered, not against the cold, but against the sudden realization that she was very, very alone. In the middle of the night. In below freezing temperatures. With only her light winter jacket, a pair of $1 Walmart stretchy gloves, and her tennis shoes. No wonder the driver had looked at her like she was insane when she insisted on getting out.

With a figurative stiffening of her spine, she started to trudge up the hill. The dark was all encompassing and she could hardly make out her next step. She hadn't expected it to be this dark. The moon had been shining at her house. She didn't even bring a flashlight. Her cell phone had no reception in this remote hunting area.

Hunting! Sydney mentally kicked herself. How could she have forgotten about the bobcat she and Michael saw last time they were up here? It was probably tracking her awkward movements right now.  God knew she was making enough noise.

Frightened beyond anything she'd ever known she tried to climb faster. Her sneakers slipping as she attempted to get purchase against the treacherous ruts and ridges. Finally she moved away from the middle of the road towards the edge and dangerously steep hill beyond. The pine needles mixed with the fresh snow allowed her to walk faster. The risk of falling seeming less likely than getting attacked by a wild beast.

The only sound in her ears was the ragged sound of her own breath and the crunch of snow. The sick feeling was being replaced by anger with every change in elevation.

The snow made everything look different and she almost passed the long drive on the left that led to the small meadow cleared below the cabin. It was only a barely visible reflector on the old growth douglas fir that caught her attention.

Another ten minutes found her staring at the soft glow escaping the large, recently installed, picture windows. Her Uncle was renovating the cabin a little at a time. She could smell the comforting apple wood smoke of a warm fire escaping the chimney. Now that she was here she was afraid to continue. She really should have brought her burly Uncle along.

Michael's truck was there, as was Paul's. Making her way across the meadow she quietly stepped up onto the old porch and opened the screen door. It made a slight squeak, but there was no change in the music she heard playing inside.

With her heart pounding in her throat, she twisted the door knob and stepped inside the kitchen. Sure enough a toasty fire burned merrily in the cast iron stove enveloping her in its warmth. She slowly slid her fingers down, letting the screen door close behind her and was closing the inner door when she heard a breathless feminine giggle and a masculine moan. The door thunked behind her.

Seconds later Paul's large frame and spiky blonde hair filled her vision, "What the fuck? Sydney? Oh, holy shit, I thought you were my dad." Paul then grew very pale. "This isn't what it looks like."

She pushed around him and into the main cabin area. A red headed teen was on the couch, her double d's out for the world to see. Sydney ignored her. Her attention instead captured by the man in the loft frantically trying to get his pants back up, while a woman pouted on her knees beside him.

Picking up the key's to Michael's truck and the cell phone lying on the near-by table she said, "Next time you decide to cheat, don't butt dial your wife."

With nothing else to say, she turned and walked out the door.

###

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Dark Mornings


It’s edging into fall. I can feel it. The nights and mornings are starting to get cool and crisp. Not to mention its dark when I wake up now. 

I hate that it’s dark when I wake up. 

I’m not a morning person anyway, but toss in warm and soft with the dark and it’s a recipe for a snooze disaster.

I have this great down comforter that I really love. It's light weight but super warm. The only thing I don’t like about it and, in fact every other down comforter that I’ve owned, is in spite of their promises that the feathers won’t drift; that their box weave construction will keep the down evenly spaced, it most certainly does not. The foot of my comforter is all bulky, near exploding, with fluff and the top is all thin. I get a little claustrophobic when stuff is in my face, so it’s not a horrible thing, but still. It looks funny when I make my bed.

Being super smart like I am (snicker) I think, okay, I’ll just flip the comforter around and eventually the feathers will drift and space themselves out again.  This doesn’t happen. Ever.  Why the heck not is what I want to know!?!

Anyway, said comforter is totally soft and warm and wonderful.  When combined with the memory foam topper that hugs my body, a cocoon of amazing is created. It's only a sense of responsibility and the knowledge that my cocoon of amazing would disappear without the smelly green stuff, that forces my body out of bed on those dark, cool mornings. The promise of a hot cup of caffeinated deliciousness might help as well.

I toss and turn a lot and often can’t sleep, but I love my bed. Only one thing could make it better. I’ll let you muse on that. ;)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Rendezvous - A Short


I haven't been doing enough writing lately. So, for fun, here's a fictional story.

The Rendezvous
by KK Sierra

She stepped off the plane onto the jetway; the oppressive humidity making her gasp for breath. She glanced down at her sweaty, rumpled clothes, and made her way up the boarding ramp to the closest restroom.  The air conditioned terminal bringing her momentary relief.

Secured behind a stall door she removed the plastic cover from the mint green dress with its narrow, braided straps and cluster of flowers at the right side of the waist. Stripped down to her panties, she balanced on her flip flops to keep her feet from the dirty floor as she refreshed her deodorant and swiped some lotion on her legs and arms. The light scent of mango danced around her.

Excitement that had been building during the flight threatened to bubble over and she could not help but smile. It had been weeks and she missed her love. She was looking forward to the look of affection in his eyes and hoped he appreciated the effort she put forth to look special. It had been a long day, followed by a long drive and an equally long flight. The clothing she wore was far from her normal attire.

Slipping into her beige peep-toed heels, she smoothed the front of the airy dress. It swirled around her, the skirt ending just above her knees. Quickly she repacked her things, momentarily wondering why she hadn’t gotten the usual, “you land yet?” text message. The better to surprise him, she surmised.

A minimalist, she ran through her hair quickly with a brush and freshened her breath. No need for makeup. She loved her bright red lipstick but only when she didn’t plan on kissing anyone, and tonight, she definitely planned on kissing someone. Anticipation made her shiver. With a final, satisfied glance in the mirror, she grabbed her bag and headed out.

Foot traffic in the terminal had diminished quickly, as would be expected for a late evening flight. She nodded to the now familiar, aging security guard as she passed TSA’s point of no return into the unsecured part of the airport. He smiled in return and gave her a thumbs up. She was confident in her pretty, flirty dress and high heels.

The hall, however, was quite empty. No tall, smiling man. No sweeping embrace. No phone call. No text message. Her walk slowed, her gait faltered, her posture drooped, the confidence gone. Stunned, she stands in the corridor, lost.

A text sent, “I’m here.”

No response is received.

She wanders down the corridor for some sign. Finding none, she walks out into the still hot night air. Traffic whooshes by as passengers arrive and depart. The tweet of the policeman's whistle mingling with the hydraulic lift of the nearby bus. Alas, no sign of whom she seeks.

Forgotten.

Alone.

She sits.

The pretty dress is wrinkled.

Her face tear streaked.

And she sits.

###

Update 9/27/11:  If you'd like, read part 2, here.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Buoys

Buoys are a common sight in the Pacific Northwest, indeed all along the coast. They're most commonly seen marking safe passage for boats. Relationships are a lot like buoys, helping to mark safe passage and used to keep you afloat.

If the relationships in your life are buoys to keep you afloat, disappointment and anger are weights.

Are you mad?

That's such a loaded question. It's one I've answered with an honest, "No, I am not mad."

Are you sure? is often the follow up question and yes, I'm sure. 

This is because there is mad and there is disappointed and while they may look the same, they are very, very different.

Mad, you see, dissipates. It may simmer and eventually blow like a teakettle, but once all the pressure is out or you take away the cause, mad is done.

An example, you get mad at your kids when they break the lamp after you told them repeatedly not to throw the ball in the house. You are disappointed when they break your trust.

Buoys are a common sight in the waters of the Pacific. 


Mad is like an old fashioned sugar cube. It's solid and it will take a little time, perhaps even some coaxing, but the water will eventually dissolve it and the weight will be gone.

Disappointment, on the other hand, is a heavy anchor. The buoy may bob a little with the first instance, but the anchor never truly goes away. Another disappointment adds another anchor and another and another, and the buoy struggles to stay afloat. The only way to rid yourself of the anchor is to either be really good at forgiveness or change your relationship.

Keep in mind the bouy is designed to stay afloat. It will fight the weight tirelessly, but eventually the added weight will drag it down. Even if you are good at forgiveness, the hurt is still there and it often takes time to work through the links to drop the anchor.

I guess there is also something to be said for the responsibility of managing your expectations and therefore mitigating your disappointment. After all, if your expectations are low, if you expect the worst, you'll never be disappointed, right? However, should you go through life expecting to be disappointed? What kind of life is that? How would people feel if they knew you expected the worst of them? Don't we owe it to each other to expect the best they have to offer?  Alternatively, if you're anticipating you might disappoint someone, you can be sure to let them know ahead of time what to expect, that ensures they have realistic expectations and no reason to be disappointed.

So, my opinion is this, if you're wondering or considering asking someone you care about, "are you mad?" You'd better hope to God the answer is yes, because disappointment is a death sentence to a relationship.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Grocery Store Rant


I love self-checkout. I think it was a brilliant addition to grocery stores everywhere. I think, however, you should be certified to use them. After all there is a reason they’re marked twenty items or less.  They’re supposed to be fast!!!! 

I hate the people who get in the line and can’t get their items to scan. Or the people who bring items that are so big they need the hand scanner. Or the people with five hundred coupons. Or even worse, the people who finally get to the end of their stuff and either can’t figure out how to pay or are painstakingly feeding in ninety-seven cents in change, a twenty, a five, and four ones. Yikes.

All those people end up needing the supervisor of the self-checkout to come help them. If you need help, you should’ve just used the regular checkout!!

My other grocery store pet peeve? Those reusable grocery bags.  In theory, I think they’re awesome.  I don’t know about you, but I can never remember to grab them and put them back in my car.  On the rare occasion I do bring them in the car, I forget to bring them in the grocery store.  And on the even RARER occasion when I bring them inside, they never match what I end up buying. Not only that, its super awkward to give them to the cashier to try to fill. They flop all over the place and if you’re like me, you got one or two as a giveaway, maybe another is insulated, and some are bigger than others.

I like the idea of recycling as much as the next guy, which is why my plastic bags always serve double duty. They get crammed in a spot under my sink to be used again to carry something else, or to contain something disgusting on its way to the trash.  Those reusable grocery bags however, they just sit in my pantry, taking up space.

How about you? How do you feel about self-checkout and reusable grocery bags?

P.S. You may wonder, on a day like today, why there is nothing here about 9/11. Pretty much I feel that I have nothing meaningful to add to the conversation. Everyone, after all, has a story about where they were that fateful day and most are the same story of how you stopped, watched, gasped and cried. You may, however, be interested to read this, or this, or maybe even this.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Romance


I recently heard, “I’m always romantic.” This made me laugh. I don’t care how wonderful you are Guys, you are NOT always romantic.

However, this does make me ponder: what is romantic? Is romance some Hollywood idea of wine, roses, and candles? Maybe it’s a yacht ride and a violinist that pops up out of nowhere to serenade you while you dance and the world stops around you? Maybe it’s your favorite artist randomly showing up at your big event. 

Perhaps it's a more realistic dinner and a movie? Or is it a bouquet of flowers sent to your work? Maybe a surprise trip to a day spa? Is it romantic if he says, "I'll take care of the kids/pets/house today. You go relax and read your book"?

Is it a go big or go home situation? If your man doesn’t spend at least xx amount of money on you, do you bitch to all your friends about how awful he is?  Do you keep the special things he does to yourself? Or consider them bragging rights? What about if he forgets it's your day to relax and you end up not relaxing. Does he still get points for trying?

Romance to me is not about the big production. (Blame my very practical mother for instilling that in me.) Rather, romance is whatever makes me go all gooey inside.  That moment is going to strike at different times, but I can give you a few examples:
  • Holding my hand 
  • Unexpected correspondence (a letter, card, email or even a phone call) 
  • Saying thank you and meaning it
  • Remembering important dates
  • Buying me coffee 
  • Cleaning up 
  • Taking the initiative


I think my favorite definition of romantic is this:

b : marked by expressions of love or affection

Behavior, no matter how seemingly insignificant or minor, when marked by expressions of love or affection, the little things that are done from the heart...now that's romantic.

Guess I'm a pretty lucky girl after all. (Unless he's only using flattery to get laid. In which case, he's not working hard enough. Hmmm.)

How about you? What do you consider romantic?  Guys, what can/does your woman do that is romantic? Do you actually like those candle filled bubble baths? What about those awkward dinners with the fine china? Come on Guys...here's your chance to say what you think. :-)

P.S. If you enjoyed this, you might also like this guest post.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Help


It’s not very often that I go see a movie without having a pretty good idea what it’s going to be about.  This was not the case this past weekend when I accompanied my pre-teen on a girl’s day.

My daughter and her best friend have just turned ten. Their older, much more mature friend (a whopping fourteen, a lifetime of experience at that age) wanted to treat the girls to their first mostly parentless shopping trip and introduce them to the wonders of womanhood (bras and makeup, oh my…blech). Armed with their own money and a cell phone they navigated the mall, while I and their mothers, stayed out of the way. (For those of you who read this post, no, I wasn't really okay with this.) I’m trying to remember what I was doing at ten. At that age I’m pretty sure I was still making mud pies, refusing to brush my hair, and protesting my mother’s instructions to put on a shirt, but I digress.

The culmination of the girl’s day was a movie. I was all for Cars 2 or Spy Kids 4. They seemed entertaining and perfectly age appropriate to me.  The girls had other plans however. They wanted to watch a chic flick. God help me. (While I can appreciate a good chic flick from time to time, I flee from the likes of Jane Austen like a cat avoids a bath. My idea of a good time at the movie theater is more along the lines of X-Men or watching Jason Statham kick someone’s ass.)

With a soda, a big ole popcorn and some boneless chicken wings for sustenance, we sat down to watch The Help.  And I was pleasantly surprised.

I laughed, I considered crying, I wanted to kick some ass, and I cheered. I won’t give it away; this isn’t a movie review per se. It’s just not very often, in my opinion, that a movie makes you feel it all.  It’s not very often that a movie entertains you and leaves you contemplating the horrific behavior of humans in our not so distant past. It’s not very often that a movie you knew nothing about going into it stays with you beyond walking out the door, can show you the redeeming qualities of man, and touch your soul.

Kinda makes me curious to pick up the book it was based on.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

You Like Purple Unicorns? Me Too!!!


It’s a classic tale. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Marriage and babies follow. The babies grow up, become friends with their parents friends’ children, and the cycle begins again. Same school, same church, same sports, same college. It happens all the time in neighborhoods all over the world. It happened in mine. Those I grew up with settled down with people that fit with the lifestyle they were already living, many of them with their childhood sweethearts.

I wonder what the statistics are for how far the average person gets away from the area where they were born. Fifty mile radius? A couple hundred maybe? How many people who manage to get away for college or join the military, end up returning to settle down in their home town?

Does commonality equate with long lasting, happy relationships? Are mutual interests enough? A shared love of football, hiking, or pop culture? Or do you need deeper core values in common? Can a Buddhist and a Catholic have a long term, happy relationship?  What about a Democrat and a Republican?

Maybe with mutual respect the differences in opinion simply make your relationship more interesting. Is such a thing even possible? 

If to your very core you believe in heaven and that you must accept Jesus as your Savior, can you live knowing your partner refuses to do the same? Does it tear you up inside? 

If you believe in a woman’s right to choose, can your partner reconcile their belief that life begins at conception?

This isn’t even touching on your friends and family and the controversy that will arise there.  I’m just musing about things between the two of you.  Friends and family are a whole different mess.

Obviously there was something that attracted you to that person to begin with. Perhaps that alone says those differences aren’t such a big deal. On the other hand, who meets a guy at a bar and says, “by the way, I believe in stem cell research.” Unless, of course, you’re trying to scare him off. While you’re at it, unless you have something nice to say, you might want to stay away from the topic of his alma mater as well. ;)

Your thoughts?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A Bad Day is Relative

The kids start school today and my life has been chaos the last week so I'm taking the lazy blogger route today and sharing a photo.  It is "wordless Wednesday" in the blogosphere anyway, right?

All I can say is, no matter how stressful my day has been, I'm glad I'm not having this woman's day.



I guess, if you're going to get into an accident, doing it surrounded by paramedics and firemen is the way to go.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Shuffle


Music always makes me think I’m much, much cooler than I really am.  I hear the music and feel it flow through my body and suddenly I’m dancing in my chair thinking I’m JLo with rhythm to rival Will Smith and moves on par with Brittney. I realize after a few seconds I look like a moron; or my coworker's laughing brings it to my attention.

At work, on a plane, at the gym, or in the grocery store, I can usually be found with my ear buds stuck in, humming or singing quietly to myself.

Unless I’m in my car alone.  Then I just let it go, bobbing my head, wiggling in my seat, screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs, and beating my drum, er...steering wheel.  Yeah, you’re picturing it now, aren’t you?? It’s frightening. Occasionally, I forget the kids are in the car with me, until I look over at my son and he’s wearing that “Oh my god Mom, you’re sooooo embarrassing” smile.

I’m certain I’m not alone when I say my mood can often be determined by what I’m listening to. I like to post song lyrics. Sometimes it's just what I'm enjoying at the time, other times its a reflection of how I'm feeling.

I have my favorites of late, my current "go to" music, mostly consisting of Mat Kearney, Howie Day, Maroon 5, and 30 Seconds to Mars.

Most days, however, I like to put my iPod on shuffle and just listen to whatever random stuff comes up.

For more about music, check out Derek Flynn or this blog post by R.S. Emeline.

Monday, September 5, 2011

And Mediocrity for All...


A few weeks ago I received a notification from my kids' school that it had failed to meet the expectations of the No Child Left Behind act.  I know the No Child Left Behind act was supposed to improve our schools and education but I can’t say that I’ve seen that as a result.

Instead what I’ve seen is the entire school year focused on "how to pass the State test." Not, let’s make sure the kids actually have a concrete grasp of a concept so that no matter how the material is presented they can develop a logical plan of attack to solve the problem. Instead the focus has been “how to write your answer so it’s acceptable for the State test.”

Instead of understanding how to multiply and divide the kids are given a half dozen gimmicky ways to figure out a problem. Is it really better to know five different ways to get the answer instead of just knowing the facts? I’ve never met a problem that straight long division didn’t work for. I’ve never thought, “Oh crap, I can’t figure this out unless I draw it out in lattice format.”  Heaven help them if the question on the test is phrased differently than they way they've been practicing it for the last three months.

Instead of driving the whole group towards excellence No Child Left Behind seems to have drug the whole group into mediocrity. “You can pass the State test? Awesome. You sit over here and read a book or twiddle your thumbs while we try to get these other kids over here to the same level you’re at.” When I was in school you weren’t coddled. You either knew the material or you didn’t. If you didn’t know it, you didn’t move on. Period. If you did know it, then you were challenged again and again to learn something new.

So the letter I got from the school tells me that I have two options because of this determination. I can either move my kids to another school district that has passed the Adequate Yearly Progress determination, or I can hire tutors for my kids at the schools expense.

I live in a little rural district. There aren’t exactly a whole bunch of options for my kids. Moving them to a different school district means figuring out how to transport them there and home daily. How well do you think will go over with my boss? “Sorry Boss, but I have to come in 45 minutes later every day and leave an hour earlier so that I can take my kids out of district and back because their school sucks.”

What the letter didn’t say and what I’d really like to know, is what the hell are they going to do about this? Why didn’t the letter tell me, “this is what happened and this is our solution.”  Not only is my kids’ school falling apart over their heads, but the education they’re receiving is subpar as well?

Funny thing, an article found online about schools that fail to pass the AYP indicated that the failures are usually in poor areas. Personally I wouldn’t consider our school district poor. Nope, not poor, just lazy. A school district where the work ethic of the parents is reflected in the work ethic of the students. A school district where parents are more concerned with the next episode of Deadliest Catch and gossiping about the Bachelor than their kids homework assignments. A school district full of old people too selfish to pass the bond measure to help fix the local school.

As a single parent, it’s freaking hard to keep up with it all, but my kids’ future is riding on the skills and ethics they develop now. I'll keep pushing them and working with them and encouraging them to be better, to try harder, to live up to their potential. As for the rest of them, someone’s gotta work at Walmart and serve up my Whopper, right?

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Free will?

According to the bible God gave Adam free will. The ability to make choices. And yet, what choice was he really given? Option one: live life the way I direct and live forever. Option two: live life the way you want and ultimately die because you didn't make the choice I wanted you to.

Wait a minute, what? Pretty much that sounded like "do it my way or else" to me. What about you?

Is free will just an illusion? Sure seems like it. Recently I overheard, "I hope he sees his responsibility and comes back to church." Responsibility? Is that what you want worship/devotion from? A sense of responsibility? A sense of obligation? A sense of duty? Shouldn't devotion and worship be given out of love? Out of desire?

I certainly don't want my children to love me because they feel obligated to. I don't want to be married out of a sense of obligation. It should be because of love, because I earned it, not because I made a threat or gave someone no choice.

I don't subscribe to the belief of heaven or hell. I believe that dead is dead. Many however do and think that as long as you're a good person you'll go to heaven. That's not what I gathered from the book of Genesis. Adam was given two options: my way or the highway.

Why were we given free will? Are we just some science experiment? "Hey let's see what happens if we make creatures that are selfish, greedy and cruel, but also have the capacity for honor, love and generosity." Just toss 'em all together, shake 'em up and see what happens?

I feel like we were setup. Your thoughts?

Saturday, September 3, 2011

E-Readers

I often see posts and comments about what kind of an e-reader to get. I'm going to take a moment here and put in my unsolicited plug for the Kindle. My reason is simple: in my opinion, the Kindle is closest in look and feel to a real book.  I love real books.  I love the feel of them in my hand, I love the way they smell, I love turning the pages.

Using an iPad or Nook to read a book is like using a multi-tool when all you need is a screwdriver. Sure it works, but it's awkward. Alton Brown may believe that in the kitchen you shouldn't have a singular use tool, but I disagree when it comes to reading. 

When I read a book, I want to read the book!  I don't want to play games on my book. I don't want to watch a movie on my book. I don't want to get on the internet with my book.  

Before my Kindle I would bring a book with me when I traveled. If I was close to finishing the book, I'd debate if I should pack a second book, or pick up a new one at the airport.  Picking up a book at the airport is always a gamble. You never know if there will actually be something there that you want to read. Packing a second book just meant more stuff to carry around.  Having my Kindle means I can easily carry several books with me or even reload an old one that I want to read again.  I can also read my friends WIPs (works in progress) or edit my own stories.

So, if you're looking for a great way to have your library with you at all times and capitalize on the ease of grabbing a new book, in my opinion, Kindle is the way to go.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Online Dating Works

The end of 2009 was tough and 2010 had an even rougher beginning. My healing process however, had begun through writing. It gave me a place to open up and express myself without judgement. The writers group that I had joined was a friendly bunch and offered nothing but encouragement.

I had been enjoying the works of a feisty gal who wrote about violence and sex with a sharp wit and fast moving dialogue. One day she posted some comment about the weather or I did. I don't remember which, but I got an email that said, "You're from Washington state? How funny. I'm from there." Turned out she grew up just up the road from me.

We started emailing and instant messaging.  Mostly about writing and the characters that we were enjoying playing with.  Eventually, as trust was established we started learning more about each other. Her husband, The Marine, was off doing some training and she was really missing him.  My husband, the soon to be Ex, was continuing his evil ways, inspiring us to plot his literary doom.

Our friendship is a strange one. We communicated then, and still, almost exclusively via text messages and instant messaging. Finally, in August of 2010 we decided to meet. After work one Friday, I jumped in my car and drove to the airport and several hours later arrived in the desert of California.

It was only then that I started to doubt my decision. I didn't even know what my friend looked like. As I approached her car, following her directions on my phone I thought, "Am I really going to get into this woman's car?"

I found out later that she'd had a similar conversation with her mother on the two hour drive to pick me up. "Are you really going to pick up a complete stranger?"

Only we weren't strangers. Not at all.  Rather she was my best friend, a kindred spirit and in so many ways, my rock through the hard times. The yin to my yang, or something like that. The beauty of technology is that we can always be connected. She always just a text message, an IM, an email or, at times, a phone call away. I'm virtually guaranteed a "good morning" before 8. She knows when I'm down. She's just there for me. Always.

My "online" relationship has been a roaring success. RS Emeline is, as she puts it, "my hetero life mate."  Love you babe!

If you haven't had the opportunity, check her out at here. Or follow her on twitter @rsemeline.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Walking Lines (Vulnerability, part 2)


As I posted earlier, I'd like to think I'm pretty strong and independent. However, one day, in a particularly vulnerable moment, I was sitting by myself at a restaurant. I had just left the kids with my ex for an extended visit. Happy chatter from other patrons bounced around me while I sat at my table with three empty seats, when I got a text message. As I read it I felt like I’d been sucker punched. I couldn’t eat another bite and felt like I was going to vomit. I immediately dropped a $20 on the table and left.  Logically I knew I was being crazy, but that didn't change the empty, sick void that persisted.

I knew it wasn't their fault. They hadn't done anything. They weren't conspiring behind my back, but at that moment, I had felt so betrayed to know that my closest friends were off having fun, together, without me. At that moment, I had never felt so incredibly alone.  I was totally shaken.

Several years ago, there was a group of “us”, five couples who did everything together. I don’t know who changed, but we drifted away from one of the girls. She was headed in a different direction than everyone else.  We all had drinks one night and tried to talk about it. She just didn’t see things the same way we did. Gradually, we just stopped inviting her to events. Our husbands were still friends, but we didn’t invite them to couples activities. Before long, we just stopped contact all together.


(I’m only fringe friends with one of the four now. The rest, I don’t even know exactly where they are. I hope I didn’t make her feel like I did that day.  If I did, I’m really sorry.)

A reader, Jennifer, commented the other day that you don’t realize what you’ve given up until the relationship is over. It’s true. I really hadn’t realized how many walls I’d built up over the last decade until they started to crumble down and I was left exposed, like a crab without a shell.

I was not, am still not, equipped with the skills to cope with the new emotional connections I’ve made with people. Having been a self-sustaining island keen on maintaining the superficial during the last several years of my marriage, I was blown over by the revelation that I had developed such strong emotional attachments, and in such a short time.

I found myself in a position reminiscent of my teen years, not worried about my popularity, but wondering if the friendships I was developing were one sided. Wondering what kind of life my friends were having without me. Viciously hating the responsibility that drug me away.

Do they miss me? Do they even think about me? Is it stalkerish to think about them as often as I do? To wonder what they’re doing now? Not in an obsessive sort of way, but in an I’m genuinely interested in what they’re doing, how they are feeling, sort of way. Are they happy? Are they sad? How are they really reacting when I send them a link to something I found funny? Do they actually ignore my Facebook posts? Or just refuse to comment on them? When I send a text are they anxious to see what I have to say? Or do they wonder why I’m bugging them again?

I know a lot of people, between work, church, and school. Knowing people however is not the same as being acquaintances and being acquaintances is not the same as being friends with them. 


It is not the same as having an emotional connection with people. I have friendships that I can walk away from for weeks or months and come back and pick them up the same as always.  We catch up, we laugh, we share a meal. The difference is the degree of my emotional attachment. 


The question that remains in my mind is if my friends need me as much as I need them.

I feel weak and stupid for even wondering.