Thoughts on Little Things

I went for a ten-mile hike Saturday, managed to get blisters and tweaked my back but it was still one of the nicest weekends I can remember.

I think it is the little things that make or break a relationship. I did a lot of thinking about this while I hiked along the beach.

My ex didn't work for the last decade of our relationship. I have no issue with gender reversals. I didn't care that he didn't work outside the home and bring in an income.  However, in exchange, I expected that he would pick up the slack at home (he didn't). The little things: pick up the dishes, take out the trash, clean up after yourself. Nothing sent my anger level into the atmosphere faster than coming home from work and finding the house a disaster, the kids in front of the TV, and him napping. It was a display of complete selfishness.

My life is somewhat different now.  I still work full-time, but I telecommute.  It makes for a different dynamic because I am able to toss the laundry in the washing machine during the day, or start dinner in the crock-pot  In some ways, I think this makes teamwork worse because people forget I am not at home to be doing home things, I am here working and need to treat my job in the same manner I would if I was in the office. So, while I may take a few minutes here or there, I pretty much try to stay focused during the day.  As soon as the work day is over, I leave my computer and start dinner, or wash up the dishes from breakfast, etc. My family, on the other hand, is content to walk in the door and immediately start "relaxing" until dinner is ready.

I understand that work and school is stressful and that one comes home and wants to relax.  However, if everyone relaxes then nothing gets done.  Dinner doesn't get cooked, laundry doesn't get done, the floors don't get swept.  If everyone relaxes but mom, then mom ends up tired, cranky, overworked and resentful. Resentful is never good for a relationship.

I would like to see my family complete one selfless act daily.  One thing that is done completely for the benefit of someone else (hopefully it will lead to more).  I want them to see beyond the 'reward me' attitude: I put my laundry away, or I did my homework, or I put my dinner dishes in the sink.  Yes, those things are beneficial, but they mostly benefit just that person.  I want them to go beyond doing just the minimums. It is the kind, little things, that benefit relationships (between a couple, between siblings, between parents and kids): taking an extra moment to say thank you, please, or you're welcome; picking up something up and putting it away even if it isn't yours; showing interest in another person's activities; and learning to share.

So, back to what made my weekend so enjoyable. The BF made my weekend!  We worked on several things and it was so nice to do them together.  Not that we don't do things together normally, we do. What made this different, is that we did everyday, ordinary things together.  We made cupcakes.  We went shopping. We made breakfast.  We did the dishes.  Somehow, the fact that the activities were so absolutely ordinary, made the time spent together: talking, laughing, working, just that much better.  It was all those little things. I hope we never lose that togetherness.

Happy Thoughts

The mind is an amazing thing. You can be focused on what's in front of you while your brain is ruminating on something else entirely.  Your characters can be plotting and developing in the recesses of your mind, for example. Or a conversation you had could be replaying in your head. Lyrics to your favorite song could be on repeat.

Often you don't even realize it until you have that "ah ha" breakthrough moment, or when you catch yourself humming or singing.

Peter Pan had it right. With a happy though you can fly!

My favorite people are my happy thoughts and they're always on my mind. First thing in the morning; last thing at night. Not in an obsessive, stalkerish sort of way, but they're always there, in the recesses of my mind. My happy place.

They're just there, making me smile. My mind touches on thoughts of them throughout the day. Those that I'm closest too are never far from my heart and my immediate thoughts. Usually that thought inspires a quick text just because or a funny tweet or sometimes an email or a *gasp* hand-written note. Sometimes the thought makes me do something crazy, like send flowers, a silly gift, or have Chinese food delivered.

When my kids are at school, I sometimes note the time and think, "oh they're at lunch" or "I hope my son's test went well."  My BFF is a long distance away from me and no day feels complete without at least a good morning and good night text. 

When I haven't heard from them I have this emptiness, a distinct feeling that something is missing. My happy is missing a key component.

If there is a good reason for the lack of connection, my mind lingers on them and while I miss them, I mostly think how lucky I am to have such great people in my life.  However, when there is no plausible explanation, I find it hard to focus on anything but the missing component.

How about you? What are your happy thoughts? What do you do when they go missing? What have you done lately to show the people you love how much you appreciate them?

Thoughts on Coping

Life throws us curve balls. Some of them are thrown with such strength, speed and accuracy you'd think you were facing down the Big Unit (meh, he was a great pitcher of my childhood). How you handle those curve balls however, says a lot about you.

Maybe you run or do yoga. Maybe you hide. Maybe finding the bottom of a bottle of rum is your choice. Maybe you're the whine on Facebook type. Maybe you lean on family and your true friends until the crisis is over. Maybe you find yourself the first thing on two legs that'll screw you. Maybe you drive your car too fast. Maybe you just mope and feel sorry for yourself.

For me, I write. I over think things, and I write.

I write about suicide. I write about death. I write angry. I write tears. I write about real men and tough women. I write about betrayal, honesty, and redemption. (Although, even when I'm in a great mood my writing runs on the dark side.)

This isn't new. I've done it my whole life. The difference is I have a blog instead of a pretty journal.

So read, think, relate. But always remember...

It's just fiction.

If I...

by KK Sierra.

If I were an artist, I'd paint you in a picture, with turquoise waves lapping at white beaches.

If I were a photographer, I'd capture your real smile, remind you to focus on the important things.

If I were a musician, I'd play you a song, to lift your heart and help you soar.

But, I'm just a writer, and all I have are the soul baring words you refuse to read.

I wish you happiness.

I wish you love.

I wish you here.

###

No Regrets

by KK Sierra

No goodbyes.
No regrets.
It's better this way.

Walked away.
Couldn't look back.
Who says its better this way?

Things are gone; empty rooms.
Vanilla lingers in the air.
Why is it better this way?

Passion embraced in the night.
Sharing love, sharing life.
Why do you want it this way?

You built a wall.
You hide yourself.
I won't say its better this way.

I'll sleep alone.
No regrets...
But, I don't want it this way.

###

12/11/10 - A special day I'll always remember. 

Penis vs Vagina

I heart Phil Torcivia. He is hilarious and often right on point. When I read this particular blog post however, it immediately brought to mind a recent conversation with a good friend.

My friend and I were sharing our weekends which led to discussing relationship issues and undecipherable mixed signals. He wrapped it up like this, "See, the penis knows not what it wants, and the vagina does, though does what it shouldn't."  In other words, guys don't really know what they want, give mixed messages, and follow the lead of their penis. Girls know what they want and chase after guys they shouldn't anyway.

And that, in my opinion, is at the heart of why good girls lean toward bad boys.

First, I think we need to define "good girls" for the sake of my argument. Good girls referred to here are women who for the most part have their "stuff" together. These are girls who are socially and academically successful. Girls who have jobs, their own cars, and can pay their bills on time.  Girls who are attractive, keep in shape, dress nice and stay well-groomed (hair styled, body parts waxed, etc.). They are girls who are positive, honest, and morally decent, maybe even a little innocent. (Do not mistake this for boring or unadventurous.)

This type of woman wants a man who has it together. One who can challenge her intellectually with more than pop culture. One who can laugh, joke, tease and have fun without dissolving into bathroom humor. One who will be interested in the things that interest her and will listen as attentively to her as she listens to him. She wants a man who is honest, honorable, and worthy of her respect. She wants a man who can change a tire, knows how to use a hammer and wrench, and is equally comfortable domestically. She wants a man who will make her feel genuinely beautiful and sexy.

Nice guys, the ones who get relegated to friend status, don't put off the right vibe. They may fulfill everything listed above, but they're missing something.  That thing that grabs our attention and hooks us for more.

We aren't necessarily looking for the Alpha male, but we're looking for a strong presence. Something that says you'll challenge us. A confident swagger that makes us swoon. Whether we were created or have evolved, woman in general, craves man. 

Fuck the feminist agenda! We want a man to be a man. We want him to hold our hand, or throw an arm around our waist, and be just possessive/jealous enough that we know we're wanted and our relationship is secure. We want to be protected and cared for. We want a man who will defend himself and us. We want him to be dominate in the bedroom.

This is especially true for the "good girl" described above. She's already successful! She doesn't need you to complete her. She's already got it together financially. She's likely building a strong career. She doesn't even need you to start a family. She doesn't need a man, but dang it, she wants one!

We don't really want bad boys. Nope, *shaking my head* we absolutely do not. Bad boys are arrogant, thoughtless, selfish asshats.

So, when you look at all those things, why do we lean towards the bad boy? Why do we know what we want but do what we shouldn't?

Because we don't want to be your momma! Your nice guy demeanor makes you seem like a pushover. Someone we can control. We don't want a sheep. We want a man, dammit!

Bad boys ooze confidence. They put off that challenge vibe. They excite us and keep us off balance. They speak to an inner desire we try to pretend doesn't exist. That inner need women have where we, in spite of our success, want a man to be our big strong hero, to allow us a weak moment in our otherwise organized lives where we can be the damsel in distress, rescued by the man we crave. We don't always want to make the decisions and be in charge.

We know better and yet, we give into that inner desire, and pursue the bad boy we suspect will only half fill our needs. We knowingly set ourselves up for heartache hoping the bad boy exterior we are attracted to hides a nice guy underneath. Often, we hate ourselves as we walk away, again and again.  We wish we could find someone that was the combination of the dominate bad boy and our nice guy confidant.

How do we remedy this? Nice guys need to be themselves, stop over analyzing what they "think" we want, and show us their inner bad boy!

###

I shared this with a friend before posting and he responded: since the dawn of puberty, your entire post has been the frustration to males like me and the guys I hung out with.

So...guys, ladies, what do you think? Please share your thoughts!

Seventeen Days

by KK Sierra.

Cheated. Betrayed. Lost.

Those three words seemed to describe most accurately what she felt as she stared at the computer screen trying to grasp what she had read.

He was breaking up with her...by email.

What had happened in 17 days to change, "I love you more than any other in life till now" to "This isn't possible right now, nor will it be in the future"?

He had been someone worthy. The kind of person you were proud to call your friend. Someone she respected immensely. Devoted to helping others, not selfishly pursuing a career that only benefited himself. He kept her guessing and she liked that, although she wished he didn't make her feel off-balance in the process. There was so much he kept to himself; she felt she could spend a lifetime figuring him out.

He had been her totem. No matter the distance or the craziness that surrounded her, he could bring her peace with a simple "good morning." He was too serious, and liked to tease her just to watch her get riled up.

She'd been cheated and didn't know why. There was so much she'd wanted to share, so many more memories to make. An evening picnic on the beach to watch the sun set. A camping trip perhaps. An offer to take her to a gun range. A desire to see him work magic with his camera. Hot chocolate and snowflakes. Their first New Year's Eve kiss.

Had she really misinterpreted everything he'd said and done? Had she been betrayed by him or her own heart? It had allowed her to forget her decade long lesson in trust. Had it blinded her too?

He changed. It all changed. She stood in the tattered remnants of their relationship unsure if she was the cause or simply left to deal with the effect.

Two weeks. A mere seventeen days from a happy contentment she hadn't felt in years to lost in a swirling abyss.

###

To be Worthy - a short

To be Worthy

by KK Sierra


Many men had sought her.

In that wild western time.

Drawn to beauty and survival.

Seeking naught but selfish gain.

Lazy, deceitful, unkind, perhaps cruel.

A means to their wishes.

Skilled hands for hard labor.

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, and dishes.

Or for personal pleasure alone.

For none she spared thought.

To none she gave consent.

She desired only a hero.

A man of self-sacrificing worth.

To be important to him.

Eden - A 5x5 Short Story

Eden by KK Sierra


"Come clo-ssser, my sss-sweet one."
Charmed and oblivious, he did.
Entranced, her screams went unnoticed.
He followed the bewitching she-devil.
Hoarse and alone, tears fell.

Betrayal - A 5x5 Short Story

Betrayal by KK Sierra


We're friends. Don't you worry!
I am here for you.
I've got your back always.
Her smile remained in place.
The knife buried hilt deep.

Giving Names

My boss and one of my employees name their cars. We were discussing this the other day. He thought the habit may have come from his daughter who as a child named everything. Her dolls, the cars, the pets, pretty much everything got a name.

I on the other hand don't recall liking to name anything. The few dolls I do recall naming had super simple names.  The doll with the pink hair and dress was Rosie. Her brother was Jesse. The black cow was Blackie. The sneaky, black and tan dog was Bandit. Nothing terribly unique or exciting. 

Even today I hate naming things.  I'm pretty sure I read every name and meaning in the 100,000 Baby Names book before my son was born. Choosing the right names for my children was very important. 

I have a difficult time naming my characters in stories. I don't know why exactly. I think one reason it is hard is that some names instantly conjure up certain stereotypes. Raul - dark, handsome, daring scoundrel. Savannah - sniveling, spoiled bitch.

The other reason, I guess, is names are important to me. Things are more meaningful when you include someone's name. Think about your parents. When they said, "John Michael Smith!" you knew they meant business. 

When I have something important to say, I use names. I always make a point to say, "I love you, XXX" rather than just "I love you, babe." Nicknames are cute and fun, but when you really mean something, when something is more important than a car, a name must be used.  Maybe that's the real reason the characters in my short stories usually don't have names.

What do you think? Is it easy to name things? How do you feel about the importance of using someone's name? 

Memories vs Mementos

When you think about the special times in your life how do you recall them? Is it a special memento you've obtained, photographs, or is it just your memories of the event?

You hear people say, "well, you've always got your memories." However, that's not always the case. My grandmother, for example, developed dementia before she passed away. The dementia stole her memories and in doing so, stole part of her. So much of who she was was the stories she shared. She was very smart and  read all the time. She loved to share the things she'd learned. It was heartbreaking to watch her try to recall events and facts.

On the other hand, things are also lost, stolen or destroyed. When there are fires or natural disasters, assuming there is no loss of life, the thing that people are saddest about isn't the loss of their home, as homes can be rebuilt, but the loss of their pictures and other special mementos.

I know for me I'm not big on having a bunch of cluttery mementos, but there are times, when I'd like to have something reminding me of those I love to hold close to my heart and pictures of their smiling faces to enjoy.

Surprises Follow Up

A few weeks back I told you I had a surprise or two up my sleeve. I'm here to follow up on that and tell you what they were.

First, remember back when I went parasailing earlier in the summer? Then a little while later I conquered my fear of roller coasters?  Well, my friend's birthday is in two weeks and I won't be able to be there so I decided an early present was in order. A couple years ago he went sky diving and thought it was amazing. I wanted to do something with him that he loved so I made arrangements for us to make a jump on my last visit.

The day was absolutely beautiful, warm and sunny. The people at the sky diving company were totally cool and made me comfortable. My friend, of course, had no time to stress and be anxious.  I, on the other hand, had nightmares about falling out of the airplane unattached or the parachute failing to open for weeks.

Despite my fears, it was the most amazing thing ever. It wasn't actually scary. You don't have the same stomach dropping feeling like you do on roller coasters. I am thankful I have a video recording to relive the experience again and again. I would definitely do it again in a heartbeat. I was so happy to share the experience with one of my most favorite people.

Now, the day this blog posts, I'm delivering on another surprise. I told my best friend she'd have wine delivered in time to drink with her cake. She was expecting it to be sent via FedEx. Instead I'm bringing it to her.

Obviously I'm writing about this before it happens but I will be jumping on a plane after work today and should arrive at her house around 2 a.m. I'm hoping when this posts that I was able rouse someone and am sleeping in the house, but there's a good chance I'll be sleeping in the rental car waiting to surprise her. I haven't seen her since August and I've missed her terribly. She's been going through a rough time and I can't wait to give her a big hug!

Planning surprises is so much fun! Have you done anything fun lately? What kind of surprise would you want to get?

Update: yes, I did sleep in the car and yes, I totally surprised her and it was awesome. Gave a little mini surprise to another friend later as well. :D

Friendship is Precious

Sometimes the beauty of friendship amazes me.

I have a good friend who belongs to the church I've left. I wanted to tell her personally of my decision so we went out to grab a beer and a bite to eat. Her mother passed away earlier this summer and she's still been struggling with that loss. We talked a bit about how she felt she was finally coping with the lose and ready to "rejoin" society. We talked about her sons, school, and life in general before broaching the subject of why we we're really there.

As much as I wanted to just be strong and tell her straight out, I couldn't. Tears formed, my throat tightened and speaking was nearly impossible. After a moment to compose myself, I told her what was going on. To my complete amazement, she understood and sympathized.

More importantly, she said that it didn't matter to her if I wasn't going to go to church anymore, she would always be my friend.  I was stunned. Part of the church doctrine is strictly shunning those who no longer attend.

My best friend told me that "those who matter won't care and those who care, don't matter." How true those words have proven to be.  I am truly blessed.  I also have to say, after stressing over this for so long, I have never felt lighter and more at peace with myself.

You're a God? No thanks.

Over the weekend I blazed through Rick Riordan's newest Heroes of Olympus book, The Son of Neptune. I love this series. He weaves a fabulous tale with unexpected twists and turns, while tossing modern technology with mythology. Even more fun is each story builds on the last and is guaranteed to be resolved in a short series...no long drawn out story lines.

One thought that struck me as I read the book and contemplated the series was how much it sucks to be a demigod. Sure, you've got powers...harness lightening, control water, summon the dead, but everywhere you go monsters are trying to kill you and you can't hide because you have a distinct "smell", you have weird visions when you sleep, and Gods and Goddesses are constantly tricking, bribing or threatening you into do things for them.

In Rick Riordan's world, the Gods need the demigods and humans to do things for them, but they can't ever tell them straight out what they need because they're not supposed to interfere. (Um, what? Pretty sure that's all the Gods do!)

Instead they give them cryptic prophecies that promise the end of mankind and the destruction of the Gods unless some bizarre quest is fulfilled. Of course, on these quests the demigods lose their friends and things that are important to them and in the end the Gods are generally begrudging and/or just ungrateful.

I suppose it makes some sense. After all, how can you have power if you have no one to exercise it over. Since I don't believe in the ancient Gods...I think they're just fables made up by men, it makes me wonder what is it that makes humans feel the need to dominate something or someone else?  Why can't we just let each other live life fairly? Recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses both as people and as "places".

I live in the plains and have barley..you live in orchards and have peaches...let's trade. It sure seems simple enough. I think that no matter where we are we're more alike than we are different. We all want to be happy and healthy. We want to see our children grow up in safety and peace. We want to see our love ones leave in the morning and not wonder if they're going to come home in the evening. We want to be respected and loved. Basic humanity.

Did I mention how all these poor, mostly doomed demigods came to be? Gods hooking up with humans. As exciting as that sounds, I'll be sticking with mortal men with narcissistic tendencies.

Do Nothing Weekend

From time to time everyone needs a do nothing weekend.

I have a love/hate relationship with video games. I think they can be fun. Lots of fun. And addicting. I'm not very good at them. I'm really competitive and hate not being very good. I don't have time to sit around playing games long enough to get good at them. Thus the love/hate relationship. I hate not being good enough to win, I don't have time to get better and therefore, I don't play. That's logical, right?

My other issue with video games comes from people in my past playing them to the exclusion of those around them. Video games, like any other form of entertainment, should only be done when everything else is done. Chores, homework, family time...those things should all come first.

That history being briefly explained, I recently had a bad deja vu experience where I judged someone rather unfairly. Instead of opening up, I resorted to old coping mechanisms. I've come to realize this was wrong and really all on me and although I apologized, I still feel badly about it.  Sometimes emotional growth is painfully slow. I was wrong and I'm sorry.

Anyway, my kids have been asking for a gaming system for a long time and I've consistently put them off.  I just really didn't want another one in the house. It's been a long time since we've had one and I wasn't anxious to have it back. Then I realized the system itself wasn't evil and I was being unfair in not trusting our ability (as a family) to use it responsibly.

I wrote earlier of this game my coworker's been very excited about. Since I know the history behind it through the books, I went ahead and got the game for my family. It's definitely not for my younger kids, but on this "do nothing" weekend, my son and I have been having loads of fun playing the game. I'm still not very good, but I've come to realize I don't have to be that good to have fun if I'm playing with the right people.

And...proving responsibility...it's now turned off and we're finishing up some chores to get ready for the week ahead.

Hope you're having a great weekend, if not with those you love, then at least doing something relaxing that you enjoy.  Cheers!

On Giving and Not Getting

Do you give more than you get back?  Does it make sense to keep giving when it is unrequited?

You hear this most often in reference to love, but I'm thinking in other contexts too.

Are you the polite type that always says please and thank you? Opens doors for people? Gives up your seat on the bus? 

If that is never, ever, ever reciprocated do you keep doing it because you feel it's right? Or do you eventually become embittered?

I know for me there are things I like to do that I wish the recipients would reciprocate or at least acknowledge...but on the other hand, they're things I enjoy doing...so I'm thinking I should just take pleasure in that and leave it be. :)

What do you think? I'm curious.

Another random thought...does anyone else have the issue with their brain and mouth being completely disconnected? Sometimes I find people will say, "Have a nice day" or "Thanks for coming" and I think, "Thanks, you too" or "Thank you for having us" but it totally fails to exit my mouth and by the time I realize I didn't actually say anything, it's too late and I look like a jerk.

A Quote

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe

It's Done

I went to court Wednesday and my eighteen months of torture are finally over. The ex is now officially, legally, the Ex. Thank god.

I'm hoping with this weight lifted I can finally get a good nights sleep. :-)

Sure, I still have to deal with him. There are children involved after all. However, I can finally move forward. It's such sweet relief. He no longer can try to hold anything over my head.

By the way, celebrating after with bubbly on an empty stomach cause I didn't eat anything before due to nerves...bad idea. Makes the head spin a bit at 1100.

Cheers, everyone!

Delivering Bad News

How do you break someone's heart?

I mean, knowingly sit them down and give them information that will crush them?

I never gave the Ex's feelings a single thought when I kicked him out. The only thought was the safety of my children and myself. When his actions persisted, it destroyed any remaining desire for reconciliation. I moved on. I had to. I can't say the same for him. Nearly two years later, as our divorce finally nears completion, he still professes his love. I'm sorry he still feels that way. I don't, however, feel any guilt over it. Not one iota.

Not the same for this other situation. After thirty some odd years on this earth, I've decided to make yet another big change in my life. I'm moving away from the church and the way my parents raised me. All their effort and desires are going to be for naught because I'm walking away from it all.

I imagine this might be a little how gays and lesbians feel. The burning desire to be who you are coupled with the fear of hurting those you love in the process.

This has been eating at me for a long time. This trying to make the right decision. I'm still not fully convinced its the right thing to do.  I did stop and ask myself, "could you walk away from the potential you see in your future, and stay on the expected path. Could you live with yourself?"

My answer was yes. Yes, I could continue to live the life I am expected to live. I could continue to raise my children as I was raised. I could live a lie, and I would be absolutely miserable.

The next question was, "can you live with the fallout?"  The fallout being the likelihood that I'm going to be disowned. The fallout of knowing I've once again disappointed my parents.

I've thought long and hard about this, and I don't know. I also don't know for certain what the fallout will be. My parents could react differently than I expect them to (unlikely) or they could react exactly like I expect them to, but later with more thought and reflection, they may decide that my decision wasn't the end of the world they expected.

Having come to the decision that I'm going to quit "hiding", the question is how to tell them. On one hand I'd like to give them a well thought out letter. Something that allows me to explain what I'm doing without the emotional drama of tears and yelling. Something that allows time for thoughtful reflection on exactly what I'm telling them.

On the other hand, do they have the right to hear it straight from me? To have their moment of pain, grief and lashing out?

I don't know which is right. I've been in situations where I would've liked the letter and the opportunity to compose myself that it enabled.  I've also been confronted with situations where a letter is not good enough. I want to look into the person's eyes and see their body language while they give me bad news.

Thoughts?

P.S. My mom called the other night. She said I didn't seem myself lately and she wanted to know if she could help me in any way. This is going to be so much harder than I thought. :(