It's Really Quite Simple

I've read a couple blogs, talked to some friends, and have decided this needs to be said:

Woman are not that complicated. The things we want are actually quite simple.

It used to be that women needed men for financial support. Not so much these days. I personally have been supporting myself and my family for, well, since I had a family...over fifteen years now.

So what do women want?

• Security -- We're talking about our relationship here. We need to feel secure in where we stand with you. You can't assume we know anything whatsoever about what you think. You need to tell us.
• Emotional Support -- Be interested enough in us to share our interests. You don't have to become an expert in baking, gardening, writing, whatever it is we like, but listen with interest, eat our baking, admire our garden, read our writing. Be mentally available...being in the same room physically is not enough.
• Trust -- Trust us enough to know that just because we like to dress up once in a while, wear sexy panties, and go out with our girlfriends, we're not looking to cheat. In return, we'll be totally okay with you having nights out with the boys. Also, you're not okay with us being close friends with other guys, we know this. Don't expect us to be okay with you being close friends with other girls.
• Honest Communication -- Sometimes we talk in circles and sometimes we hold things back, but stuff eats at us and we're eventually going to come around and tell you what's bothering us. Know that whatever we're about to say we've been contemplating for a long time...trying to decide if it's even worth discussing. We like actions to match words. Don't say it if you're not going to follow through.

That's pretty much it. We want to feel secure in our relationship with you. We want to have trust and honest communication. When those things are in line, everything else falls into place. FYI - when women are secure and happy in our relationships, we like to have sex with you. When we're secure in our relationship, we're not jealous, we don't freak out, and we're not clingy. When we're secure, our relationship is strong and we'll stand by you through hurricane force difficulties that will try to bring us down.

Women who want flowers, jewelry, etc. are looking for material manifestations of what you're not giving them emotionally. 

This may seems oversimplified. I won't disagree there are a lot of whiny, evil, manipulative bitches out there and other exceptions to the rule. For the most part however, you'll find if your woman is secure in her relationship with you, you're going to be happy and so is she.  

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For my dear SO - Hugs babe.

Someone's Sister

I think we'd all like to believe our children are perfect. It can be quite disconcerting when we come across things that prove our children are not so young any more and definitely not perfect.

Not all parents may agree with me, but I allow my oldest to have email and be social online with his friends with the provision that I have access to his accounts and he doesn't hide things. I don't take advantage of his privacy often, just occasionally peek into his world. He and I have a pretty good relationship and talk often, so I don't feel the need to poke around with much frequency.

What I found today shocked me. I've read erotica less explicit than the saved chat log I found between him and his girlfriend. (Ironic that I just blogged about trust, right?!)

When I asked him about it, he responded as you'd expect from any teenager. "What's the big deal? Everyone at school talks/behaves this way."

As a teen mother myself, I know exactly what the big deal is.  It took some time and some tears, from both of us, before he finally understood.

The thought that finally got through and made the rest of the pieces fall into the big picture for him? "How would you feel about the boy who has that conversation with your sister?" 

His response, "I'd kill him." 

"Son," I asked, "what makes it okay for you to be that boy?"

I pray he keeps that in mind as he continues to travel down the road to manhood. He's seen the less than stellar example of his father. He's seen the much better example of his friends' fathers. I hope he remembers that the girls and women he encounters in life are someone's sister, someone's daughter, and treats them with the same respect he'd like to see his mom and his sisters treated.

It's Just a Little Thing

Trust.

from: www.seattleartglass.com

A pretty little glass ball, capable of being tossed by the sea, and yet susceptible to cracks and stress fractures. Trust is such a fragile thing that I really don't understand why it isn't treated with more care.

Trust can be earned and trust can be gifted. There are several variations of the definition according to Merriam-Webster.

With your children they earn trust with their behavior. This would fall under: to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear. You've watched them grow and instilled in them values.  So that first time you leave them unsupervised, send them out with friends, or give them the keys to the car, you say, "I trust you." Based on their behavior, they've earned your trust. You trust that they'll follow the rules in your absence, stay out of trouble, drive carefully, etc.

The first time they fail, your trust takes a hit. However, they're your children so you address the situation. You do your best to teach them from the mistake, they work hard, your trust is re-earned and you try again.

Relationships between friends are also based on trust. It's both earned and gifted. I believe the correct definition in this case is: to place confidence in: rely on. The first gift may be trust over a shared confidence, or a borrowed favorite pair of shoes. Over time, the trust grows as it is both earned and continues to be gifted. You trust your friend to keep your secrets, to be there for you when you need to vent, and you trust their emotional support. The first time you find out they've betrayed something between the two of you, you may not immediately react and end the friendship, but your friendship will be damaged. You'll find yourself questioning everything they say and do. You'll share less with them in an effort to protect yourself. It takes a lot of effort to rebuild that trust.

Relationships between a couple, that's a much deeper level of trust, especially if you're intimate or have exchanged expressions of love. This more along the line of: to commit or place in one's care of keeping; to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of.  It takes incredible trust to hand a person your heart. To share with them your deepest needs, worries and fears, to admit your weaknesses.

In this case, trust is truly a gift, and the giver takes a huge risk.

When you've opened your heart to trust someone, why do they not understand the fragility of that trust? Especially if the giver has been hurt in the past and is tentatively reaching out. White lies, lies of omission, they're all still lies. What they don't know won't hurt them is such bullshit.

Love is being worthy of that gift of trust.

Why lie about something when there is no reason to?  Why say you're reading a book when you're really playing video games? Who cares either way? It's your free time, or your GPA at stake. Why be vague about who you're with or what you're doing? It just leads to wondering about what else you're not being honest about. If they've never before had a reason not to trust you, you've just given them one.

The lie, the omission, no matter how small, puts little cracks in trust. Eventually, like those pretty glass floats, a little pressure on those cracks, and its gonna shatter in your hand.