Delivering Bad News

How do you break someone's heart?

I mean, knowingly sit them down and give them information that will crush them?

I never gave the Ex's feelings a single thought when I kicked him out. The only thought was the safety of my children and myself. When his actions persisted, it destroyed any remaining desire for reconciliation. I moved on. I had to. I can't say the same for him. Nearly two years later, as our divorce finally nears completion, he still professes his love. I'm sorry he still feels that way. I don't, however, feel any guilt over it. Not one iota.

Not the same for this other situation. After thirty some odd years on this earth, I've decided to make yet another big change in my life. I'm moving away from the church and the way my parents raised me. All their effort and desires are going to be for naught because I'm walking away from it all.

I imagine this might be a little how gays and lesbians feel. The burning desire to be who you are coupled with the fear of hurting those you love in the process.

This has been eating at me for a long time. This trying to make the right decision. I'm still not fully convinced its the right thing to do.  I did stop and ask myself, "could you walk away from the potential you see in your future, and stay on the expected path. Could you live with yourself?"

My answer was yes. Yes, I could continue to live the life I am expected to live. I could continue to raise my children as I was raised. I could live a lie, and I would be absolutely miserable.

The next question was, "can you live with the fallout?"  The fallout being the likelihood that I'm going to be disowned. The fallout of knowing I've once again disappointed my parents.

I've thought long and hard about this, and I don't know. I also don't know for certain what the fallout will be. My parents could react differently than I expect them to (unlikely) or they could react exactly like I expect them to, but later with more thought and reflection, they may decide that my decision wasn't the end of the world they expected.

Having come to the decision that I'm going to quit "hiding", the question is how to tell them. On one hand I'd like to give them a well thought out letter. Something that allows me to explain what I'm doing without the emotional drama of tears and yelling. Something that allows time for thoughtful reflection on exactly what I'm telling them.

On the other hand, do they have the right to hear it straight from me? To have their moment of pain, grief and lashing out?

I don't know which is right. I've been in situations where I would've liked the letter and the opportunity to compose myself that it enabled.  I've also been confronted with situations where a letter is not good enough. I want to look into the person's eyes and see their body language while they give me bad news.

Thoughts?

P.S. My mom called the other night. She said I didn't seem myself lately and she wanted to know if she could help me in any way. This is going to be so much harder than I thought. :(

And Mediocrity for All...

A few weeks ago I received a notification from my kids' school that it had failed to meet the expectations of the No Child Left Behind act.  I know the No Child Left Behind act was supposed to improve our schools and education but I can’t say that I’ve seen that as a result.

Instead what I’ve seen is the entire school year focused on "how to pass the State test." Not, let’s make sure the kids actually have a concrete grasp of a concept so that no matter how the material is presented they can develop a logical plan of attack to solve the problem. Instead the focus has been “how to write your answer so it’s acceptable for the State test.”

Instead of understanding how to multiply and divide the kids are given a half dozen gimmicky ways to figure out a problem. Is it really better to know five different ways to get the answer instead of just knowing the facts? I’ve never met a problem that straight long division didn’t work for. I’ve never thought, “Oh crap, I can’t figure this out unless I draw it out in lattice format.”  Heaven help them if the question on the test is phrased differently than they way they've been practicing it for the last three months.

Instead of driving the whole group towards excellence No Child Left Behind seems to have drug the whole group into mediocrity. “You can pass the State test? Awesome. You sit over here and read a book or twiddle your thumbs while we try to get these other kids over here to the same level you’re at.” When I was in school you weren’t coddled. You either knew the material or you didn’t. If you didn’t know it, you didn’t move on. Period. If you did know it, then you were challenged again and again to learn something new.

So the letter I got from the school tells me that I have two options because of this determination. I can either move my kids to another school district that has passed the Adequate Yearly Progress determination, or I can hire tutors for my kids at the schools expense.

I live in a little rural district. There aren’t exactly a whole bunch of options for my kids. Moving them to a different school district means figuring out how to transport them there and home daily. How well do you think will go over with my boss? “Sorry Boss, but I have to come in 45 minutes later every day and leave an hour earlier so that I can take my kids out of district and back because their school sucks.”

What the letter didn’t say and what I’d really like to know, is what the hell are they going to do about this? Why didn’t the letter tell me, “this is what happened and this is our solution.”  Not only is my kids’ school falling apart over their heads, but the education they’re receiving is subpar as well?

Funny thing, an article found online about schools that fail to pass the AYP indicated that the failures are usually in poor areas. Personally I wouldn’t consider our school district poor. Nope, not poor, just lazy. A school district where the work ethic of the parents is reflected in the work ethic of the students. A school district where parents are more concerned with the next episode of Deadliest Catch and gossiping about the Bachelor than their kids homework assignments. A school district full of old people too selfish to pass the bond measure to help fix the local school.

As a single parent, it’s freaking hard to keep up with it all, but my kids’ future is riding on the skills and ethics they develop now. I'll keep pushing them and working with them and encouraging them to be better, to try harder, to live up to their potential. As for the rest of them, someone’s gotta work at Walmart and serve up my Whopper, right?

Wait a Minute Mister Postman...

According to a recent Wikipedia article there are over two hundred active social networking sites. Sometimes I picture humanity as a giant school of fish darting from one social network to another. Getting your friends and family to sign up for a new platform is easy. Getting them to use it is quite another. Finding a single common one? Nearly impossible.

With so many forms of communication, how do you talk to people? Actual phone calls? Emails? Text messages? Instant messages? Twitter? Facebook posts? Facebook messages? Blog posts?

Do you repeat the same message across platforms? Or do people who follow you on twitter get a different persona than those who friend you on Facebook?

Do you have an open personality where your work, personal and family life all blend? Or do you keep your work friends separate from your family? I don’t know about you but I don’t want my work friends to have the same information about me as my aunts, uncles and cousins. I don’t want my parents seeing the drunken picture from last week’s BBQ when I thought it would be a good idea to put my bra on the outside of my clothes.

On average, how far from your body is your smart phone at any given moment? For me, on average, two feet. Maybe less. At night, it’s on my bedside table charging. It also doubles as my alarm clock. In addition, we offer emergency tech support and have a phone tree system that I’m a part of.  When I’m working it sits under my monitor. When I’m driving it’s in a little cubby in the dash. When I shower, I use it to listen to music. Getting a clear picture? My phone is pretty much a constant companion which means I’m always connected to email, Facebook, twitter and text messages.

I don’t know if they’re to the same extreme, but most my friends are similar. So it begs the question, in my opinion, what’s an acceptable time frame for responding to said communications? Minutes? Hours? Days? Does it vary depending on the form? Text messages should be responded to within a certain number of hours? Emails a few days? Facebook posts, maybe never? What makes sense to you?  Does the ease of accessibility make you more inclined to respond quickly or less? Does the type of relationship change your expectation? Do you expect your best friend to respond to your text messages within minutes? Your parents in days? Does friending your parents on Facebook get you out of developing a more personal relationship with them? Does it substitute for an actual relationship or help build your “real” life one?

When we get communication from someone that takes a little more effort, do we give it the appreciation it deserves?  A well thought out email or even more rarely, a hand written letter, should be treated as the special gift that it is. Someone took the time to sit down and type you their thoughts and feelings or to share some news. Perhaps they physically took pen to paper, added an actual stamp and maybe even licked the envelope!

My parents aren’t techie people. They still sign their text messages, “love mom.” I can’t tell you how awesome it makes me feel when I open my mailbox and find bill, bill, bill, letter from Mom.  When my friend was last deployed to Afghanistan I sent several care packages. I'll always treasure the handwritten thank you letters I received.

I hope this inspires you to pick up a Hallmark card or write a letter and make someone’s day a little brighter.

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