Calloused

by KK Sierra

Do you even understand what you're throwing away? So thoughtlessly dismissive.

You mimic society in their gluttonous waste. A nick, a scratch, the wrong color scheme. Throw it out, buy another, and fill the land with rot.

I give freely. Is that the problem? Does no price equate no value?

The system is backwards and you are wrong. Fun, celebrity, and the moment, have nothing on love, friendship, and truly living.

###

If I...

by KK Sierra.

If I were an artist, I'd paint you in a picture, with turquoise waves lapping at white beaches.

If I were a photographer, I'd capture your real smile, remind you to focus on the important things.

If I were a musician, I'd play you a song, to lift your heart and help you soar.

But, I'm just a writer, and all I have are the soul baring words you refuse to read.

I wish you happiness.

I wish you love.

I wish you here.

###

A Year in Summary

2011 isn't quite over, but I don't see much else interesting happening for me this year.  The year started with an amazing, wonderful bang and fizzled into...well, not much.

Needless to say, it has been a year of firsts for me.  Which is saying a lot...I think, considering what some of the firsts are. I have a special place in my heart for the people who shared these memories with me.

So here you go, 2011's Firsts in no particular order:

• drove from Colorado to Washington in 24 hours
• drove to San Diego and back
• went parasailing
• conquered my fear of roller coasters
• jumped out of a plane
• ended an 18 month court battle
• fell in love with someone really wonderful
• then got well acquainted with heartbreak
• flew enough to become an MVP
• flew in first class (but didn't pay first class prices)
• got kicked out of a bar
• got throw up drunk
• played beer pong
• went to a major league baseball game
• had Five Guys burgers and fries
• went to an In & Out
• went to a Sonic
• went to a ghost town
• went to Disneyland
• went to Sea World
• went hiking in Joshua Tree National Park
• toured the USS Midway
• played cosmic bowling
• rode a tram

There were a couple other cool things of a more personal nature, so I won't be sharing those.

Although, 2011 is ending pretty low and I'm hoping for better things in 2012,  I have to thank the people that made each of those events memorable. I have some really wonderful people in my life. I love them all very much.

May 2012 bring you all love, joy, and great memories.

###

Compartments

By KK Sierra

His throat is parched.
Yet, his mouth waters.
For just a little taste.
To ease his burden.
And trembling hands.
The bottle mocks him.
As he sits on the floor.
Storms rage within and without.
Cold and gray.
The liquid warms.
But numbs the soul.
He thinks he doesn't have.
A self-appointed cross to bear.
To wander alone.
Takes another drink.
Chimes sound from the phone.
He refuses to look.
Doesn't want to know.
Better to strike the first blow.
Than be vulnerable.
Push it in a locker.
Throw away the key.
Forget what they could be.
Reaches for the bottle.
Liquor the color of her eyes.

Her throat is parched.
Yet, her mouth waters.
For just a little taste.
To ease her burden.
And trembling hands.
The blade mocks her.
As she sits on the floor.
Storms rage within and without.
Cold and gray.
Steel on soft skin.
A little nick.
Numbs the soul.
She picks up the phone.
Shares her vulnerability.
Draws a line.
Can't forget what they could be.
Time ticks by.
Crimson stains.
Fabric the color of his eyes.

###

Beg the Devil

By KK Sierra

Beg the Devil come tonight.
Fill my heart with rage.
Sorrow overwhelms the fight.
Take away the wretched ache.
Quill in hand to tell the tale.
Ink, nay blood, stains the page.
The vessel empties on a moan.
No one weeps those dead alone.

###

No Regrets

by KK Sierra

No goodbyes.
No regrets.
It's better this way.

Walked away.
Couldn't look back.
Who says its better this way?

Things are gone; empty rooms.
Vanilla lingers in the air.
Why is it better this way?

Passion embraced in the night.
Sharing love, sharing life.
Why do you want it this way?

You built a wall.
You hide yourself.
I won't say its better this way.

I'll sleep alone.
No regrets...
But, I don't want it this way.

###

12/11/10 - A special day I'll always remember. 

Penis vs Vagina

I heart Phil Torcivia. He is hilarious and often right on point. When I read this particular blog post however, it immediately brought to mind a recent conversation with a good friend.

My friend and I were sharing our weekends which led to discussing relationship issues and undecipherable mixed signals. He wrapped it up like this, "See, the penis knows not what it wants, and the vagina does, though does what it shouldn't."  In other words, guys don't really know what they want, give mixed messages, and follow the lead of their penis. Girls know what they want and chase after guys they shouldn't anyway.

And that, in my opinion, is at the heart of why good girls lean toward bad boys.

First, I think we need to define "good girls" for the sake of my argument. Good girls referred to here are women who for the most part have their "stuff" together. These are girls who are socially and academically successful. Girls who have jobs, their own cars, and can pay their bills on time.  Girls who are attractive, keep in shape, dress nice and stay well-groomed (hair styled, body parts waxed, etc.). They are girls who are positive, honest, and morally decent, maybe even a little innocent. (Do not mistake this for boring or unadventurous.)

This type of woman wants a man who has it together. One who can challenge her intellectually with more than pop culture. One who can laugh, joke, tease and have fun without dissolving into bathroom humor. One who will be interested in the things that interest her and will listen as attentively to her as she listens to him. She wants a man who is honest, honorable, and worthy of her respect. She wants a man who can change a tire, knows how to use a hammer and wrench, and is equally comfortable domestically. She wants a man who will make her feel genuinely beautiful and sexy.

Nice guys, the ones who get relegated to friend status, don't put off the right vibe. They may fulfill everything listed above, but they're missing something.  That thing that grabs our attention and hooks us for more.

We aren't necessarily looking for the Alpha male, but we're looking for a strong presence. Something that says you'll challenge us. A confident swagger that makes us swoon. Whether we were created or have evolved, woman in general, craves man. 

Fuck the feminist agenda! We want a man to be a man. We want him to hold our hand, or throw an arm around our waist, and be just possessive/jealous enough that we know we're wanted and our relationship is secure. We want to be protected and cared for. We want a man who will defend himself and us. We want him to be dominate in the bedroom.

This is especially true for the "good girl" described above. She's already successful! She doesn't need you to complete her. She's already got it together financially. She's likely building a strong career. She doesn't even need you to start a family. She doesn't need a man, but dang it, she wants one!

We don't really want bad boys. Nope, *shaking my head* we absolutely do not. Bad boys are arrogant, thoughtless, selfish asshats.

So, when you look at all those things, why do we lean towards the bad boy? Why do we know what we want but do what we shouldn't?

Because we don't want to be your momma! Your nice guy demeanor makes you seem like a pushover. Someone we can control. We don't want a sheep. We want a man, dammit!

Bad boys ooze confidence. They put off that challenge vibe. They excite us and keep us off balance. They speak to an inner desire we try to pretend doesn't exist. That inner need women have where we, in spite of our success, want a man to be our big strong hero, to allow us a weak moment in our otherwise organized lives where we can be the damsel in distress, rescued by the man we crave. We don't always want to make the decisions and be in charge.

We know better and yet, we give into that inner desire, and pursue the bad boy we suspect will only half fill our needs. We knowingly set ourselves up for heartache hoping the bad boy exterior we are attracted to hides a nice guy underneath. Often, we hate ourselves as we walk away, again and again.  We wish we could find someone that was the combination of the dominate bad boy and our nice guy confidant.

How do we remedy this? Nice guys need to be themselves, stop over analyzing what they "think" we want, and show us their inner bad boy!

###

I shared this with a friend before posting and he responded: since the dawn of puberty, your entire post has been the frustration to males like me and the guys I hung out with.

So...guys, ladies, what do you think? Please share your thoughts!

The Things You'll do for Your Kids

I was raised around animals...outdoor animals. They required feeding, but little picking up after or other attention. I am not a fan of pets.

But for my kids, we got a dog.

"We'll walk him, Mom. Play with him, Mom. Pick up after him, Mom. Remember to feed him, Mom."

Oh yeah, all the promises.

Did that happen? Of course not. Mom walked the dog. Mom picked up poo. Mom fed and watered the dog. Mom found the dog a new home with people who loved him.

"A smaller pet, Mom. Something we can keep in a cage in our rooms."

And so, for my kids, we got guinea pigs.

This was somewhat better. Mom nagged the kids to feed the gp's. Mom nagged the kids to water the gp's. Mom nagged the kids to clean the gp's cage and give them a bath. Mom said, "keep that away from the gp."

Did that happen? No. Someone forgot. The gp's, who like to gnaw on everything, gnawed on the wrong thing and passed away.

"Can we get a cat, Mom?  Oh, please, oh please?"

And so, for my kids, we got a cat.

And, this time Mom got a feeder that held a half-gallon of water and a self-feeder to hold enough cat food for a weekend away. (Mom refills both.) Mom got a litter box. (Mom empties the litter box.) Mom got cat toys. Mom got a comfy bed for the cat to sleep in. Mom got a scratching post.

The kids love the cat and play with it. Happy kids. Yay!

The cat is driving mom insane. It scatters litter on her bathroom floor. Then it pushes its half-gallon water container all over the floor, sloshing water as it goes until the litter and water has mixed to create a fabulous concrete paste.  Mom has never cleaned her bathroom floor so often in her life.

Oh, and Mom's furniture has scratches.

And so, for Mom, there will be no more pets after the cat.

Seventeen Days

by KK Sierra.

Cheated. Betrayed. Lost.

Those three words seemed to describe most accurately what she felt as she stared at the computer screen trying to grasp what she had read.

He was breaking up with her...by email.

What had happened in 17 days to change, "I love you more than any other in life till now" to "This isn't possible right now, nor will it be in the future"?

He had been someone worthy. The kind of person you were proud to call your friend. Someone she respected immensely. Devoted to helping others, not selfishly pursuing a career that only benefited himself. He kept her guessing and she liked that, although she wished he didn't make her feel off-balance in the process. There was so much he kept to himself; she felt she could spend a lifetime figuring him out.

He had been her totem. No matter the distance or the craziness that surrounded her, he could bring her peace with a simple "good morning." He was too serious, and liked to tease her just to watch her get riled up.

She'd been cheated and didn't know why. There was so much she'd wanted to share, so many more memories to make. An evening picnic on the beach to watch the sun set. A camping trip perhaps. An offer to take her to a gun range. A desire to see him work magic with his camera. Hot chocolate and snowflakes. Their first New Year's Eve kiss.

Had she really misinterpreted everything he'd said and done? Had she been betrayed by him or her own heart? It had allowed her to forget her decade long lesson in trust. Had it blinded her too?

He changed. It all changed. She stood in the tattered remnants of their relationship unsure if she was the cause or simply left to deal with the effect.

Two weeks. A mere seventeen days from a happy contentment she hadn't felt in years to lost in a swirling abyss.

###

Reader Interview with Mike Wells

I recently had the honor of doing a reader interview for Mike Wells.  Mike has written several amazing books including Wild Child and Lust, Money and Murder. Wild Child's story from Mike's head to paper book is quite incredible.  I encourage you to look him up on Amazon.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy my interview which can be found here.

Wretched - a 5x5 short story

Wretched by KK Sierra

Creepy crawlies in the dark.
Bravery quickly replaced with dread.
Horror-filled the streets run red.
Humanity's value outweighs individual nationality.
Heroes conquer the world's undead.

The Interview - a short

The Interview

by KK Sierra

"We're closing up, hon; you want anything else?"

Last call? I thought. Last call, my ass! "Yeah. Definitely, give me another wonna those Windy Lou's." I was on my…I stopped and counted the empty glasses, fourth, yep, my fourth drink…in two hours. I was such a lightweight. What led me to drown my misery at a bar? Well, let me tell ya:

I took a deep breath in through my nose and blew it out with a huff. I could do this, I would do this. I would smile and give all the right answers and sell myself to this HR person if it was the last thing I did. Just because this was my fifth job interview of the day and the rest had failed miserably didn't mean this one would. Hey, I didn't come to the Kentucky Derby just to say I was in the race. I needed to win this!

I flipped down my visor to look in the mirror and double-checked to be sure I didn't have anything gross stuck in my teeth. Satisfied my teeth were good I reapplied my Pink Pout lipstick. I would have preferred something flashy and red but I didn't want to come off too strong. Sometimes men are intimidated by a strong woman. I spritzed on my favorite scent, Ralph Lauren, for a boost of confidence.

Stepping out of my Honda I brushed the wrinkles out of my black slacks and smoothed my white blouse. Conservative was the name of the game. I had to be prepared to play with the boys. A woman was rarely expected in this field. Women in this field were generally assumed to be frigid, homely and/or have a penchant for talking nonstop about their WOW avatar. I'd like to think I fell into none of the above. I hadn't had any complaints in the sack, I modeled when I was younger and I hated WOW. I reached in the backseat and pulled out my small briefcase and tossed my purse over my shoulder.

Beeping my car locked, I jay walked across the street to the nondescript brick building. A small plaque by the door its only identifying mark. Watchmen it said in silver letters against a black background. A small button was below it. I pushed the button. A sexy voice filled with arrogance came across the speaker, "Watchmen."

"Hi. I'm Carisa Lane. I'm here for a 2:15 job interview."

"Just one moment ma'am. Someone will be right out."

Uh, okay. Why not just open the dang door? That is interesting and a bummer. I needed the last few moments to finish my mental pre-interview preparations. Steeling my spine and straightening my posture, I stood aloof in my four-inch red pumps, my only concession to the whole "conservative" thing. I left my Gucci sunglasses on. I didn't want to give too much away yet.

Before I had another moment to process I about choked on my own spit as the most beautiful, yes beautiful, man I had ever seen stepped in front of me, thrusting his hand out, "Ms. Lane, I'm Andre Villanueva."

Regaining my composure, I grasped his hand, "Carisa Lane. It's a pleasure to meet you." Electricity sparked as our hands met and I briefly wondered if he felt it too. He must have because his eyes lingered on my face and he didn't release my hand. Something Sarah said once crossed my mind, "Men who are good looking are never good in bed because they never had to be." I began to consider if that applied to Mr. Villanueva because "Wow!" was about the only coherent thought I could make. Before I knew it, he was pulling the door open and he drawing me inside the building.

Now, I don't go on job interviews without researching the company first and I knew the man before me was the CEO. Before I could stop myself I asked, "Why are you meeting me? I mean, I'm just an interviewee, you're the CEO!" I gave myself a mental slap. Damn it all to hell. This was exactly why the previous four interviews were failures. I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut.

He chuckled, "I don't like employees that feel they need to keep their mouths shut. I hire people with brains, not yes men. And to answer your question, you intrigued me."

Again, the brain disconnected from the mouth, "Why?"

Flashing me a brilliant smile he answered, "Because there are few programmers with your skill, male or female. Because few take the path to their career that you have. Because I wanted to meet the woman who handed  Jake DeLuca his ass. Because I wanted to know the person behind eyedentify dot com. Because I wanted to see if the girl who won Little Miss Suzie became Wonder Woman."

I flushed, "I'm not sure if I should be incredibly impressed that you did such a thorough background check on me, or incredibly disturbed. Since some of that info is ONLY accessible through a highly classified project, I guess I should be impressed."

We had barely moved inside the lobby when he turned me around and pointed me back towards the door. "Well, Ms. Lane, thanks for coming in. We'll be making a decision later and will let you know."

Before I registered what happened, I was standing back on the sidewalk. WHAT THE HELL? My interview lasted less than five minutes. Ugh, I was such an idiot.

And so, here I am at The Loft drinking myself into oblivion. Feeling sorry for myself because I failed not one, not two but FIVE job interviews in one day.  To top it off Andre Villanueva, the hottest man on the planet, pushed me out of his building in less than five minutes. I guess I disappointed him. I don't know why it bothered me so much. I didn't even know the man. The waitress dropped my fifth and final drink on my table. As she stepped away I noticed the man behind her.

I slurred, "Well, if it isn't Andrrrre Vill-la-new-evvaa. Come to see if I can fit my other foot in my mouth?" Again, with not being able to keep my mouth shut. Ugh.

The corners of his mouth tipped up. "No," he gestured towards the bar, "just came to pick up a friend and noticed you here. What's up?"

Pride be damned, "Five fucking failed interviews. That's what."

"Five? Did you get my message earlier?"

"No."

"Well, allow me to welcome you to Watchmen."

Oh snap!

###

To be Worthy - a short

To be Worthy

by KK Sierra


Many men had sought her.

In that wild western time.

Drawn to beauty and survival.

Seeking naught but selfish gain.

Lazy, deceitful, unkind, perhaps cruel.

A means to their wishes.

Skilled hands for hard labor.

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, and dishes.

Or for personal pleasure alone.

For none she spared thought.

To none she gave consent.

She desired only a hero.

A man of self-sacrificing worth.

To be important to him.

Responsible Parenting

The subject of the post found here today sparks my annoyance due to the implied black and whiteness of it all.


The ads and comments upset me because they're designed, in my opinion, to make a parent feel like they're bad, wrong, or evil for choosing to co-sleep with their children.

It's called responsible parenting. Know the facts, the advantages and the potential dangers, and make decisions based on what is right for you and your children. Smart, informed decisions that will help your children to reach their full potential in life.

I ended up co-sleeping, at some point, with all my kids (now ages 15, 10 and 7), but not by explicit choice. Except for brief periods of time at the beginning of each child's life (a few months) I have worked full time throughout their childhood.  Whatever amount of sleep I could get was important. It kept me sane and capable of being a good parent. If that meant bringing a crying child in need of parental comfort to bed with me, that was what I did. If my child had a cold or fever, guess where they felt comfort? That's right, in mom's arms.

Co-sleeping is not for everyone. If someone asked, I wouldn't tout it as the end all, be all sleeping solution. As often as possible, I wanted my children in their own beds, however I wasn't going to listen to them cry and attempt to "self comfort" while I tried to sleep peacefully in my own bed, when it was clear they needed me.

I think these facts about children dying due to co-sleeping are misleading because no one has the facts on the number of children who have co-slept without incident to compare them to. Only the tragedies make the news, not the successes. (For positive information on co-sleeping, you might read here.)

The death of any child is tragic. A preventable death, even more so, but let's not vilify parents that co-sleep.

The Hunger Games

I am rarely excited for books turned movies, but the Hunger Games series was AMAZING, and the movie looks like it may actually be its equal. Can't wait. If you haven't had the opportunity to read the series, I encourage you to pick them up ASAP.

Until the End - a short

Until the End by KK Sierra

Crimson red, it runs down.
Staining the earth beneath him.
Life ebbs with each heartbeat.
Weary, the fight leaves him.

A whisper, a gasp, "Ana."

The wound will take him.
No heroics can stop it.
Offer comfort, peace, and love.
Vengeance is yours; you'll repay.
It shan't be in vain.

11-11-11

This may be a mistaken impression, but I think that often the term Veteran is only associated with those that have retired.

A Veteran, as I understand it however, is anyone who has served in the armed forces, especially those who have served in combat or completed a tour of duty. As such, many men and women are still serving today who are Veterans. Sadly, those who have served in unpopular wars are frequently berated and discriminated against. I recently blogged about the outrageous comments some post online. This is absolutely wrong.

No matter your personal beliefs, religious or political agenda, all of them deserve respect.

So today, to all who have served and are presently serving, thank you.

With the Old Breed

Since today is the Marine Corps birthday and yesterday we were talking about must read books, I must recommend With the Old Breed by E.B. Sledge.

In it Eugene Sledge, an officer candidate turned mortarman, tells of the battles waged at Peleliu and Okinawa. The thing I most enjoyed about reading his story is that it was told without judgement. He doesn't throw any political twist on it and glorify in his own self-importance. Nor does he vilify the war. Rather, he gives a matter of fact narration of his boots on the ground experience. There is no acrimony in his description of mud, blood and decaying bodies.

I am not a war buff in any manner. This was in fact the first, outside of high school, I'd read on the subject of WWII. It's extreme honesty really impressed me. As this is a memoir, E.B. Sledge could have injected his story with facts and stories he learned after the fact, yet he did not. Other than a few clarifying details, he refrained and instead told the story with the sparse information he had at the time he experienced it.

Reading it touched me deeply and I've considered what I read in it many times since. The atrocities that humans will inflict on other humans is very sad. At times I was horrified by what I read. At others, tears ran down my face. Mostly I was struck by the tragic loss of life, not only then, but in the battles that have ensued since then, and those that continue to rage today.

E.B. Sledge's story was used in part for the HBO mini-series, The Pacific. I encourage you to pick up the book and the follow up memoir, China Marine, which tells of E.B. Sledge's experience immediately following Okinawa.

To my friends (& their friends) who are presently deployed and will be deploying soon, stay safe, you're in our thoughts and prayers.

"Must Read" Books

I read a post today about 25 classic books everyone should read. I consider myself quite a reader, but here is my results for said list:

25. Great Expectations Charles Dickens -- NO
24. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee -- NO
23. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley -- NO
22. Call of the Wild by Jack London -- YES
21. The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison -- NO
20. Art of War by Sun Tzu -- NO
19. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne -- NO
18. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain -- YES
17. Something, anything by Edgar Allan Poe -- YES
16. Fences by August Wilson -- NO
15. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte -- NO
14. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston -- NO
13. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway -- NO
12. Moby Dick by Herman Melville -- NO (Started, never finished)
11. The Bible -- Sort of (Never in its entirety from beginning to end.)
10. Hamlet by William Shakespeare -- YES
9. Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller -- NO
8. Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde -- NO
7. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald -- NO
6. Lord of the Flies by William Golding -- NO
5. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson -- NO
4. The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger -- NO
3. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe -- NO
2. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare -- YES
1. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck -- YES


So, I've read six of twenty-five "classic" everyone-should-read books.  Honestly, I'm not sure I care. What do you think? Do you agree that everyone should read these twenty-five books before college? Or at least at some point in their life? Have you? Is there one of these books from your own experience you think I should add to my must read list? I'm curious to know.

Music without Lyrics

Listening to any music with lyrics has been nearly impossible the lately. Either the lyrics are sad and I don't want to hear it, or the lyrics are happy and I want to throw things.

So, I've been listening to what I believe is called Electronica.  One of my favorite artists is Deadmau5 (pronounced Dead Mouse). I've also been enjoying Tiesto, Fukkk Offf, and Boys Noize.

This is one of my favorites. It's not for everyone, but I hope you'll give it a listen. It's great distraction music. I like to have it play while I'm working, writing and driving. It's been rumored to be good background music for homework.

Kisses - A 5x5 Short Story

Kisses by KK Sierra


How sweet, that first kiss.
Full of promise and hope.
I'll regret it not ever.
Those lips, soft and warm.
I'll meet whenever they're offered.

Viewpoint - A 5x5 Short Story

Viewpoint by KK Sierra


"It's not right," she said.
"It's not right," he agreed.
The picture did not fit.
Change the frame it's in.
Now the context is perfect.

Trumped - A 5x5 Short Story

Trumped by KK Sierra


Glitter, glamour, stench of wealth.
Fake boobs, tans and hair.
You're so beautiful. Muah, muah.
Drunk partiers, full of themselves.
Shallow trumps substance yet again.

Eden - A 5x5 Short Story

Eden by KK Sierra


"Come clo-ssser, my sss-sweet one."
Charmed and oblivious, he did.
Entranced, her screams went unnoticed.
He followed the bewitching she-devil.
Hoarse and alone, tears fell.

Betrayal - A 5x5 Short Story

Betrayal by KK Sierra


We're friends. Don't you worry!
I am here for you.
I've got your back always.
Her smile remained in place.
The knife buried hilt deep.

The Important Thing - A 5x5 Short Story

The Important Thing by KK Sierra


Life altering choices endlessly pondered.
Agonizing over the right thing.
Tough decisions and accompanying consequences.
The important question to ask:
Is your underwear clean today?

Giving Names

My boss and one of my employees name their cars. We were discussing this the other day. He thought the habit may have come from his daughter who as a child named everything. Her dolls, the cars, the pets, pretty much everything got a name.

I on the other hand don't recall liking to name anything. The few dolls I do recall naming had super simple names.  The doll with the pink hair and dress was Rosie. Her brother was Jesse. The black cow was Blackie. The sneaky, black and tan dog was Bandit. Nothing terribly unique or exciting. 

Even today I hate naming things.  I'm pretty sure I read every name and meaning in the 100,000 Baby Names book before my son was born. Choosing the right names for my children was very important. 

I have a difficult time naming my characters in stories. I don't know why exactly. I think one reason it is hard is that some names instantly conjure up certain stereotypes. Raul - dark, handsome, daring scoundrel. Savannah - sniveling, spoiled bitch.

The other reason, I guess, is names are important to me. Things are more meaningful when you include someone's name. Think about your parents. When they said, "John Michael Smith!" you knew they meant business. 

When I have something important to say, I use names. I always make a point to say, "I love you, XXX" rather than just "I love you, babe." Nicknames are cute and fun, but when you really mean something, when something is more important than a car, a name must be used.  Maybe that's the real reason the characters in my short stories usually don't have names.

What do you think? Is it easy to name things? How do you feel about the importance of using someone's name? 

Funny Commercials

Ran across an article about the top ten commercials ever. There have been some really awesome commercials over the years. The Mac/PC series was brilliant. The Budweiser Real Men of Genius series was hilarious. Assuming you're older than 27, how can you forget the little old lady asking, "Where's the beef?"

This video in particular, made me laugh out loud today.  Enjoy!




Happy Friday y'all!

Waiting - A 5x5 Short Story

Another 5x5 story:

Waiting by KK Sierra

The phone sits in silence.

The mailbox yields no correspondence.

Harsh glow in the dark.

Minutes tick into long days.

Blank page; the cursor blinks.

Change in Frequency

I have made it my utmost determination to blog daily since resurrecting this blog back in August. However, life gets insanely busy at times making it nearly impossible. So, I've decided not to beat myself up too badly if I miss a day here or there.

I'll still be here making regular posts. I just wanted to give a heads up that my world hasn't come to an end if I miss a day here or there.

BTW -- Today my bff officially hits three decades! Love you SO!

Haters & the Anonymous Comment

I grew up in a religious household. Those I associated with took the words written in the bible very seriously. Fornication, smoking, tattoos, swearing, homosexuality, etc, were all behaviors that were sinful. However, I never felt anyone I associated with were hateful. I never felt the church taught hate. The behavior may have been looked down on, but never the person. Even now, as I've chosen to leave the church, most of the feedback I've gotten has simply been disappointment.

Perhaps, I was lucky and the people I knew/know were more tolerant than others, the exception rather than the rule. Or perhaps I've been naive, shielded from reality in some way, but as I find random articles on the internet, I'm stunned by the amount of hate people seem justified in spewing.

For example, apparently public nudity is allowed in San Francisco, but they've recently proposed an ordinance that requires clothing in restaurants. I'm not sure how sitting at a table naked qualifies as a sanitation issue, unless these diners are making their way back into the prep area. Do I agree with public nudity? No. I most certainly do not want to see random naughty bits.  That being said, the self-righteous hate in the comments of this article is incredible:

• "You've GOT to be shitting me. More reason to not ever go to San Francisco. No wonder they call California the Granola State (home to the nuts, flakes, and fruits)."
  
  
• "San Franscisco [sic] is modern day Sodom or Gomorah [sic] of Bible time. God is merciful but He will execute justice on this preverted [sic] city in His time. I pray for SF to turn from their sin."
  
  
• "There is always hope that the next earthquake will break off parts of California into the ocean! Say San Francisco, Oakland and LA, then the state would be somewhat normal!"
  
  
• "Yeah! I hope they all die as the buildings fall, including the pregnant women and their unborn children." 

Call me crazy, but I think this type of behavior is juvenile and inappropriate. I think if you don't like a naked person at the restaurant you're at, you can ask the owner to change to a No Shirt, No Service policy, or you can choose to eat elsewhere.

Misplaced and misdirected hate can be found all over the internet and I don't understand it. This article about nudity and food safety was found on delish.com, a place for food enthusiasts not a platform for moral debate. I still believe the comments are completely inappropriate, but perhaps they would've made more sense in a forum discussing public nudity?

Why do people feel the need to voice their hatred at will?

Why post something like this on an article about autism:

• "Ignorance IS bliss! There isn't any MONEY in this diagnosis! NEWSFLASH ~ OUR GOVERNMENT IS BROKE!!! My child is perfectly joyful and everyone simply loves her! She possess the phenominal ability to memorize dialog and comments from hearing the information ONCE! I possess a MASTER's degree and very typical in my psycho / social disposition plus I am working toward my DOCTORATE! God is wathing [sic] you and KARMA is reciprocal!"

Why is it okay to post something like this on an article about a Soldier who died and how is family is coping:

• "Blah blah blah.. someone went to kill other people cause some other people, that are known for LYING, told him to and he died.
  I AM sorry that a living creature lost their life.
  I am NOT sorry for HOW he lost his life.
  I am NOT grateful for his 'service'.
  He CHOSE to listen to LIARS, he CHOSE to kill people, and he got what he asked for."
  
  

Or this on an article about health care and PTSD:

• "dont get me wrong here, im all for giving these men and women all they need, but within reasons. Post traumatic syndrome is something mental, can be remedied. if you cannot handle it, then dont join, seriously"

What gives anyone the right to hate the Soldier doing his job just because they disagree with the wars in the Middle East? Or to think that they don't deserve adequate health care when they come home?

Perhaps it is because of beliefs like these posted in response to the exotic animal incident in Ohio:

•  "I'd rather see all three of you shot, than animals that were kept in captivity shot because of some humans stupidity. Yep, that's right, I hold human life in so little regard. So, continue to respond, but it doesn't change the fact that I'd sooner see you dead. The only shame is that nothing would be there to feast on your carcasses. Btw, local animal control has tranquilizers, and last I checked lions and tigers aren't exactly equipped to open car doors. As I said, stupid, lazy, ignorant imbeciles, such as yourselves are much better off dead. It actually does the human race some good. Having been to Ohio though, I can't say I'm surprised, the level of intelligence that resides there isn't exactly rife with promise."

In addition to the values I personally work to instill in my children, since Kindergarten my children's school has promoted courtesy, kindness and respect to the entire student body. Have we grown up and forgotten these basic principles?

Perhaps these devout Christians, who glory in quoting scripture, should take a moment to reflect on this:  “Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged. You’ll receive the same judgment you give. Whatever you deal out will be dealt out to you. Why do you see the splinter that’s in your brother’s or sister’s eye, but don’t notice the log in your own eye?"

(On a complete side note, apparently I'm not the only one noticing dumb comments today. Please take a moment to enjoy this article from Cracked.)

Memories vs Mementos

When you think about the special times in your life how do you recall them? Is it a special memento you've obtained, photographs, or is it just your memories of the event?

You hear people say, "well, you've always got your memories." However, that's not always the case. My grandmother, for example, developed dementia before she passed away. The dementia stole her memories and in doing so, stole part of her. So much of who she was was the stories she shared. She was very smart and  read all the time. She loved to share the things she'd learned. It was heartbreaking to watch her try to recall events and facts.

On the other hand, things are also lost, stolen or destroyed. When there are fires or natural disasters, assuming there is no loss of life, the thing that people are saddest about isn't the loss of their home, as homes can be rebuilt, but the loss of their pictures and other special mementos.

I know for me I'm not big on having a bunch of cluttery mementos, but there are times, when I'd like to have something reminding me of those I love to hold close to my heart and pictures of their smiling faces to enjoy.

Flying First Class

Flying first class isn't all its cracked up to be.

I've flown nearly 28k on Alaska and its partner airlines this year and recently qualified for MVP status. With this comes the opportunity to be upgraded to first class.

On my recent trip to the desert Alaska gave me my first First class experience.

The advantages to MVP and first class:

1) Faster through the lines. This means all the lines. Checking my bag, security, and boarding the plane.

2) No baggage fees.

3) First to board.

4) Obviously wider seats.

5) The bathroom is closer and has less traffic.

6) A flight attendant that gives you lots of attention, drinks and food.

Now, the disadvantages.

1) While bigger, I didn't find the seats to be anymore comfortable.

2) You wouldn't think the divider between first and coach is really significant but it makes you feel like you're in a small room. Passengers in this room however, don't seem to have the same courtesy as in coach. They forget their voices carry and seem to think its totally fine to engage in conversations at full volume. Similarly, movements like tapping your foot, travel through the floor more obviously than in coach.

3) The flight attendants in the front of the plane have stuff to do so they never turn all the lights out and its hard to sleep with them moving around.

4) Getting off the plane first doesn't mean you won't have to wait for your luggage...for a long ass time.

5) The jackass next to me that thinks its okay to put his loafers on the bulkhead wall.

More fun on my flight, I saw a person get kicked off a plane for the first time. I have no idea why she was kicked off but she was not happy. Since I was two rows from the door I got to hear her yelling in the jetway.

Second, another woman mistook Alaska for Horizon. Horizon offers an ala carte service for their smaller planes that don't actually have internal space for roller bags. You bring your one free carry-on to the plane but then leave it in the jetway to have it immediately stowed. No grubby hands potentially digging in your suitcase.

Anyway, this woman just dropped her bag at the door and boarded. She was very angry when the attendants told her she'd have to get her bag at the carousel when we landed. In my opinion, SHE should've been the one kicked off.

As a frequent flyer I see people do a lot of annoying stuff. Like those who think that one suitcase and a personal item means a purse the size of a small child. Or the people who refuse to put their laptop or other small bag under the seat so there is plenty of room for suitcases. Also fun, the people who think their suitcase is special and ignore the dozens of signs that say "wheels down, facing you" and stuff their suitcase in sideways taking up a space and a half.

I also get to do some awesome people watching and see a lot of funny stuff. Like the woman in capris, flip flops, and pantyhose. Or the guy that was dressed up like a Pokemon.

I'm headed home this morning and got bumped up to first class again. The foot tapping woman from my first flight is back. Also a couple who has been super loud already. We'll see if my opinion of first class improves.

What kind of traveling experiences do you have?

Surprises Follow Up

A few weeks back I told you I had a surprise or two up my sleeve. I'm here to follow up on that and tell you what they were.

First, remember back when I went parasailing earlier in the summer? Then a little while later I conquered my fear of roller coasters?  Well, my friend's birthday is in two weeks and I won't be able to be there so I decided an early present was in order. A couple years ago he went sky diving and thought it was amazing. I wanted to do something with him that he loved so I made arrangements for us to make a jump on my last visit.

The day was absolutely beautiful, warm and sunny. The people at the sky diving company were totally cool and made me comfortable. My friend, of course, had no time to stress and be anxious.  I, on the other hand, had nightmares about falling out of the airplane unattached or the parachute failing to open for weeks.

Despite my fears, it was the most amazing thing ever. It wasn't actually scary. You don't have the same stomach dropping feeling like you do on roller coasters. I am thankful I have a video recording to relive the experience again and again. I would definitely do it again in a heartbeat. I was so happy to share the experience with one of my most favorite people.

Now, the day this blog posts, I'm delivering on another surprise. I told my best friend she'd have wine delivered in time to drink with her cake. She was expecting it to be sent via FedEx. Instead I'm bringing it to her.

Obviously I'm writing about this before it happens but I will be jumping on a plane after work today and should arrive at her house around 2 a.m. I'm hoping when this posts that I was able rouse someone and am sleeping in the house, but there's a good chance I'll be sleeping in the rental car waiting to surprise her. I haven't seen her since August and I've missed her terribly. She's been going through a rough time and I can't wait to give her a big hug!

Planning surprises is so much fun! Have you done anything fun lately? What kind of surprise would you want to get?

Update: yes, I did sleep in the car and yes, I totally surprised her and it was awesome. Gave a little mini surprise to another friend later as well. :D

Friendship is Precious

Sometimes the beauty of friendship amazes me.

I have a good friend who belongs to the church I've left. I wanted to tell her personally of my decision so we went out to grab a beer and a bite to eat. Her mother passed away earlier this summer and she's still been struggling with that loss. We talked a bit about how she felt she was finally coping with the lose and ready to "rejoin" society. We talked about her sons, school, and life in general before broaching the subject of why we we're really there.

As much as I wanted to just be strong and tell her straight out, I couldn't. Tears formed, my throat tightened and speaking was nearly impossible. After a moment to compose myself, I told her what was going on. To my complete amazement, she understood and sympathized.

More importantly, she said that it didn't matter to her if I wasn't going to go to church anymore, she would always be my friend.  I was stunned. Part of the church doctrine is strictly shunning those who no longer attend.

My best friend told me that "those who matter won't care and those who care, don't matter." How true those words have proven to be.  I am truly blessed.  I also have to say, after stressing over this for so long, I have never felt lighter and more at peace with myself.

Beggin'

This song has been in my head and the video cracks me up. Thought I'd share.

A Fall Story

Laughter rang across the open field from the orchard beyond. The source of the sound hidden amongst the changing leaves. Although the sun still shone brightly in the sky, autumn was taking firm grasp of the world. Frost had crept in during the night leaving drooping, dying plants in its wake; wide leaves no longer hiding their bright orange treasures.

Soon wisps of fine gray smoke would waft above the red brick chimney of the small home. Baskets of shiny red apples would be peeled, cored, and sliced. The tangy odor of rising bread would mix with cinnamon and citrus. Cocoa and hot toddies would be savored.

Bright colors would please the eyes. The rich burgundy of cranberry sauce punctuated by bright orange peel, the various golden browns of baked bread, roast turkey and apple cobbler, the creamy white of smashed potatoes with the soft yellow of melting butter, the bright green of string beans, and the deep orange of pumpkin pie.

Most importantly, the home would fill with friends, family, and love as they took time to be thankful for all the blessings they had, big or small.

The writer who held things together, the marine who kept them safe, the niece who made them laugh, the munchkin who made them smile, the corpsman who watched over them, and the friend who loved them all.

###

You're a God? No thanks.

Over the weekend I blazed through Rick Riordan's newest Heroes of Olympus book, The Son of Neptune. I love this series. He weaves a fabulous tale with unexpected twists and turns, while tossing modern technology with mythology. Even more fun is each story builds on the last and is guaranteed to be resolved in a short series...no long drawn out story lines.

One thought that struck me as I read the book and contemplated the series was how much it sucks to be a demigod. Sure, you've got powers...harness lightening, control water, summon the dead, but everywhere you go monsters are trying to kill you and you can't hide because you have a distinct "smell", you have weird visions when you sleep, and Gods and Goddesses are constantly tricking, bribing or threatening you into do things for them.

In Rick Riordan's world, the Gods need the demigods and humans to do things for them, but they can't ever tell them straight out what they need because they're not supposed to interfere. (Um, what? Pretty sure that's all the Gods do!)

Instead they give them cryptic prophecies that promise the end of mankind and the destruction of the Gods unless some bizarre quest is fulfilled. Of course, on these quests the demigods lose their friends and things that are important to them and in the end the Gods are generally begrudging and/or just ungrateful.

I suppose it makes some sense. After all, how can you have power if you have no one to exercise it over. Since I don't believe in the ancient Gods...I think they're just fables made up by men, it makes me wonder what is it that makes humans feel the need to dominate something or someone else?  Why can't we just let each other live life fairly? Recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses both as people and as "places".

I live in the plains and have barley..you live in orchards and have peaches...let's trade. It sure seems simple enough. I think that no matter where we are we're more alike than we are different. We all want to be happy and healthy. We want to see our children grow up in safety and peace. We want to see our love ones leave in the morning and not wonder if they're going to come home in the evening. We want to be respected and loved. Basic humanity.

Did I mention how all these poor, mostly doomed demigods came to be? Gods hooking up with humans. As exciting as that sounds, I'll be sticking with mortal men with narcissistic tendencies.

Best Wishes

My good friend has been in school since January to become an IDC (Independent Duty Corpsman). Today marks the beginning of the week long Final Evaluation Period. I wish him and his class the best this week as they put their hard earned skills to the test.

Do Nothing Weekend

From time to time everyone needs a do nothing weekend.

I have a love/hate relationship with video games. I think they can be fun. Lots of fun. And addicting. I'm not very good at them. I'm really competitive and hate not being very good. I don't have time to sit around playing games long enough to get good at them. Thus the love/hate relationship. I hate not being good enough to win, I don't have time to get better and therefore, I don't play. That's logical, right?

My other issue with video games comes from people in my past playing them to the exclusion of those around them. Video games, like any other form of entertainment, should only be done when everything else is done. Chores, homework, family time...those things should all come first.

That history being briefly explained, I recently had a bad deja vu experience where I judged someone rather unfairly. Instead of opening up, I resorted to old coping mechanisms. I've come to realize this was wrong and really all on me and although I apologized, I still feel badly about it.  Sometimes emotional growth is painfully slow. I was wrong and I'm sorry.

Anyway, my kids have been asking for a gaming system for a long time and I've consistently put them off.  I just really didn't want another one in the house. It's been a long time since we've had one and I wasn't anxious to have it back. Then I realized the system itself wasn't evil and I was being unfair in not trusting our ability (as a family) to use it responsibly.

I wrote earlier of this game my coworker's been very excited about. Since I know the history behind it through the books, I went ahead and got the game for my family. It's definitely not for my younger kids, but on this "do nothing" weekend, my son and I have been having loads of fun playing the game. I'm still not very good, but I've come to realize I don't have to be that good to have fun if I'm playing with the right people.

And...proving responsibility...it's now turned off and we're finishing up some chores to get ready for the week ahead.

Hope you're having a great weekend, if not with those you love, then at least doing something relaxing that you enjoy.  Cheers!

Lead by Example

Leading by example is a funny concept. I was thinking about this the other day and realized  you can only lead those who actually want to change, learn and/or advance. If those you supervise or manage have no interest in personal growth, they're just going to do the minimum to get by and let you do all the real work.

After all, that is hopefully why you became a manager/supervisor.  You were the person who went above and beyond and got things done. Then someone recognized this trait and put you in charge. 

I don't think any amount of encouragement, bribery, prodding or threatening will get an unmotivated person to follow the example of someone who is responsible, thoughtful, and hard working.

What do you think?

On Giving and Not Getting

Do you give more than you get back?  Does it make sense to keep giving when it is unrequited?

You hear this most often in reference to love, but I'm thinking in other contexts too.

Are you the polite type that always says please and thank you? Opens doors for people? Gives up your seat on the bus? 

If that is never, ever, ever reciprocated do you keep doing it because you feel it's right? Or do you eventually become embittered?

I know for me there are things I like to do that I wish the recipients would reciprocate or at least acknowledge...but on the other hand, they're things I enjoy doing...so I'm thinking I should just take pleasure in that and leave it be. :)

What do you think? I'm curious.

Another random thought...does anyone else have the issue with their brain and mouth being completely disconnected? Sometimes I find people will say, "Have a nice day" or "Thanks for coming" and I think, "Thanks, you too" or "Thank you for having us" but it totally fails to exit my mouth and by the time I realize I didn't actually say anything, it's too late and I look like a jerk.

Crossovers

One day my coworker tells me how excited he is for a new video game about to be released. I'm not sure what it's categorized as exactly, but it's a role playing/third person shooter game. I'm not into video games myself, so I am amused when he tells me he's going to drive to town, thirty minutes away, for the big release at midnight. Crazy, crazy man.

So the game comes out and I hear more about how awesome it is and how the storyline is changing. Ah...the storyline. He tells me he's reading a book that tells the story that proceeds the first game. Being the book buff that I am, I look it up on Amazon and read the first few pages. It's a great story. I'm sucked in in just a few pages. "So...," I ask, "how soon will you be done with the book?"

My coworker doesn't read as fast as I do, so he let's me borrow it. I devour it and return it two days later. Then I buy the next book in the series...and the next.  There is one more and possibly a fifth in the future. Woot!

I know this type of game-to-book writing happens frequently. I know that things like the Star Wars Chronicles exist. Even so, when I read what I consider to be crossovers, I'm totally drawn into them and a little at awe. Why? These writers have taken an already richly defined world and made it even more robust. Characters that were loved are given more dimension.  It's a fine line to walk for a writer, in my opinion. They must keep true to the original character as perceived by the gamers.

This book series was so enthralling, I even picked up the game controller and went a few rounds with my son.  I suck, by the way, a lot. :)  I don't think earning the "Go On Without Me" ribbon three times is something to brag about.

Shadow Update

Thought I'd give you an update on the cat we got a couple months ago. She's quite spoiled and is enjoying being a house cat. She's totally torn up my curtains and scratched my couch.

Watching her chase her toy mouse or a bouncing ball across our wood floors is hysterical. She can't get any traction and slides all over the place.

I'm not a fan of her wandering the house at night. When I let her do this when she first came to live with us she jumped up on my bed all night long...well, until I was sick of it and put her in the bathroom.  This has become our nightly ritual. When it's bed time, the girls give the cat loves and she gets put in the bathroom with her food, water and litter box.

Due to some half-assed handy work my bathroom door doesn't have a latch. So I can pull it shut and it's pretty tight, but it doesn't actually latch closed. 

When the cat is totally annoyed with being shut in the bathroom she claws under the door at the carpet and such. It's quite funny to see her little paw dart out from under the door.  At least, it was funny until she figured out she could claw at the door...and pull it open.

I didn't believe it until I saw with my own eyes. Strong cat...a bit ingenious too.  If she's that smart why can't she figure out I don't want her in my bed?

A Quote

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Thoughts on Sleeves

I realized the other day that I am a bit weird about sleeves. When it is cool out, I like to wear long sleeve shirts and hoodies. However, I noticed I am always pushing the sleeves up. They're usually about half way up my forearm.

Kinda like this...only I don't look remotely like her.

Funny thing is, although I push my sleeves up like that I am absolutely NOT a fan of 3/4 sleeves.

Note the sleeves hit exactly the same spot as the pushed up jacket above.

I actually have a shirt just like that one...I hate it. I don't know why it is still in my closet. I never wear it.

The one disadvantage to pushing your sleeves up all day...the sleeves get kinda stretched out & look funny by the end of the day.

It's Done

I went to court Wednesday and my eighteen months of torture are finally over. The ex is now officially, legally, the Ex. Thank god.

I'm hoping with this weight lifted I can finally get a good nights sleep. :-)

Sure, I still have to deal with him. There are children involved after all. However, I can finally move forward. It's such sweet relief. He no longer can try to hold anything over my head.

By the way, celebrating after with bubbly on an empty stomach cause I didn't eat anything before due to nerves...bad idea. Makes the head spin a bit at 1100.

Cheers, everyone!

Delivering Bad News

How do you break someone's heart?

I mean, knowingly sit them down and give them information that will crush them?

I never gave the Ex's feelings a single thought when I kicked him out. The only thought was the safety of my children and myself. When his actions persisted, it destroyed any remaining desire for reconciliation. I moved on. I had to. I can't say the same for him. Nearly two years later, as our divorce finally nears completion, he still professes his love. I'm sorry he still feels that way. I don't, however, feel any guilt over it. Not one iota.

Not the same for this other situation. After thirty some odd years on this earth, I've decided to make yet another big change in my life. I'm moving away from the church and the way my parents raised me. All their effort and desires are going to be for naught because I'm walking away from it all.

I imagine this might be a little how gays and lesbians feel. The burning desire to be who you are coupled with the fear of hurting those you love in the process.

This has been eating at me for a long time. This trying to make the right decision. I'm still not fully convinced its the right thing to do.  I did stop and ask myself, "could you walk away from the potential you see in your future, and stay on the expected path. Could you live with yourself?"

My answer was yes. Yes, I could continue to live the life I am expected to live. I could continue to raise my children as I was raised. I could live a lie, and I would be absolutely miserable.

The next question was, "can you live with the fallout?"  The fallout being the likelihood that I'm going to be disowned. The fallout of knowing I've once again disappointed my parents.

I've thought long and hard about this, and I don't know. I also don't know for certain what the fallout will be. My parents could react differently than I expect them to (unlikely) or they could react exactly like I expect them to, but later with more thought and reflection, they may decide that my decision wasn't the end of the world they expected.

Having come to the decision that I'm going to quit "hiding", the question is how to tell them. On one hand I'd like to give them a well thought out letter. Something that allows me to explain what I'm doing without the emotional drama of tears and yelling. Something that allows time for thoughtful reflection on exactly what I'm telling them.

On the other hand, do they have the right to hear it straight from me? To have their moment of pain, grief and lashing out?

I don't know which is right. I've been in situations where I would've liked the letter and the opportunity to compose myself that it enabled.  I've also been confronted with situations where a letter is not good enough. I want to look into the person's eyes and see their body language while they give me bad news.

Thoughts?

P.S. My mom called the other night. She said I didn't seem myself lately and she wanted to know if she could help me in any way. This is going to be so much harder than I thought. :(

Simple Can Be Fun

As intricate and realistic as video and computer games are these days, I think it's great that simple (not high graphics or requiring expensive systems) games can still be highly rewarding.

My son has been playing a game called Terraria for the last several days. As he explores the seemingly endless world, he is able to find raw materials and figure out how to put them together, fights monsters, interacts with other characters, and more.

He burrows into the earth and finds hidden caves, underground lakes, and pockets of precious minerals. It even has a sense of humor.

His crazy 3 story house. After he built it the nurse showed up. "Hello Nurse!" lol

Night Ramblings

I don't understand how I can be so tired that if I just sit on the couch when I get home from work I instantly fall asleep, but when I crawl in bed at night my mind won't shut off.

It's frustrating. Anyone else experience this?

This kept running through my head the other night...at about 3 a.m.

Sort of to the tune of Oh Holy Night:

Oh restless night!
How I effing loathe thee
Long is the stream of unending thoughts.
Worry banished by light, returns in the dark.
Peaceful slumber escapes me.


Here comes the dawn!
It harkens yonder.
Brightening as time escapes forever.

Okay, so a poet I am not. :) I don't remember the other words, either. At 0300 they seemed genius. Now, less so.

How about you? What kind of uselessness keeps you up at night?

Late Night Reading

I love to read. Even more, I love to find a book that sucks me so far into it's world that I struggle to return to reality. A book that stays on my mind long after I've finished it. A book that leaves me yearning for another peek into the world inside.

The other night, I found one of those books. Reclaiming Ter Chadain by C.S. Yelle.

If you love the fantasy worlds found in the Inkheart series or the Ranger Apprentice series, you will love Ter Chadain.

I enjoyed it so much I stayed up until 2 a.m. to finish it...on a work night...when I had to be up by six the next morning.  Oops.

Let's just say my alarm clock and I did battle in the morning. My snooze would have won if not for a timely text message from a friend. (Thanks friend.)

Thanks, C.S. Yelle, for writing such a fantastic world. I look forward to another trip.

What book have you loved recently? I'd love to hear.

21 Questions

21 Questions to Ask Your Kids

I found this on The Unexpected Education who found it on Randomosity. I found it entertaining.

1. What is something Mommy always says to you?
"I love you." "Clean your room." "Go to bed."

2. What makes Mommy happy?
"Seeing us." <consensus>

3. What makes Mommy sad?
"Dad." "When we have to leave." "Not cleaning our room."

4. How does Mommy make you laugh?
"Saying and doing silly things." "Telling jokes."



5. What was Mommy like as a child?
They don't seem to know.

6. How old is Mommy?
"32" "33" "34" <no consensus - lol>

7. How tall is Mommy?
"5'6" "5'5" "5'4" <no consensus>

8. What is Mommy’s favorite thing to do?
"Do stuff that we like to do." "Play on your laptop and cellphone." "Read."

9. What does Mommy do when you’re not around?
"Work." "Hang out with your friends."

10. If Mommy becomes famous,what will it be for?
"Computers." "Singing."

11. What is Mommy really good at?
"Computers." "Your job."

12. What is Mommy not very good at?
"Yeah? What are you not good at?" "Playing video games."

13. What does Mommy do for her job?
"Computers." "Help people with their computers."

14. What is Mommy’s favorite food?
"You have a lot of favorite foods."

15. What makes you proud of Mommy?
"When you take us somewhere." "You care about us."

16. If Mommy were a cartoon character,who would she be?
"Squidward. No, Candace." <no consensus - Seriously? From Phineas & Ferb? - FYI, My older kids couldn't come up with an answer for this one. Son says, "You're real, Mom.">

17. What do you and Mommy do together?
"Stuff." "Go places, talk, and play games."

18. How are you and Mommy the same?
"My face!" "Similar personality traits."

19. How are you and Mommy different?
"You know a lot and I don't." "Our hair is different." "You think different things are right than I do."

20. How do you know Mommy loves you?
"You take us fun places and say you love us and we have a house and stuff."

21. Where is Mommy’s favorite place to go?
"Anywhere with us." "Home."

Copy this note, ask your kid the questions and write them down exactly how they respond.

It's Really Quite Simple

I've read a couple blogs, talked to some friends, and have decided this needs to be said:

Woman are not that complicated. The things we want are actually quite simple.

It used to be that women needed men for financial support. Not so much these days. I personally have been supporting myself and my family for, well, since I had a family...over fifteen years now.

So what do women want?

• Security -- We're talking about our relationship here. We need to feel secure in where we stand with you. You can't assume we know anything whatsoever about what you think. You need to tell us.
• Emotional Support -- Be interested enough in us to share our interests. You don't have to become an expert in baking, gardening, writing, whatever it is we like, but listen with interest, eat our baking, admire our garden, read our writing. Be mentally available...being in the same room physically is not enough.
• Trust -- Trust us enough to know that just because we like to dress up once in a while, wear sexy panties, and go out with our girlfriends, we're not looking to cheat. In return, we'll be totally okay with you having nights out with the boys. Also, you're not okay with us being close friends with other guys, we know this. Don't expect us to be okay with you being close friends with other girls.
• Honest Communication -- Sometimes we talk in circles and sometimes we hold things back, but stuff eats at us and we're eventually going to come around and tell you what's bothering us. Know that whatever we're about to say we've been contemplating for a long time...trying to decide if it's even worth discussing. We like actions to match words. Don't say it if you're not going to follow through.

That's pretty much it. We want to feel secure in our relationship with you. We want to have trust and honest communication. When those things are in line, everything else falls into place. FYI - when women are secure and happy in our relationships, we like to have sex with you. When we're secure in our relationship, we're not jealous, we don't freak out, and we're not clingy. When we're secure, our relationship is strong and we'll stand by you through hurricane force difficulties that will try to bring us down.

Women who want flowers, jewelry, etc. are looking for material manifestations of what you're not giving them emotionally. 

This may seems oversimplified. I won't disagree there are a lot of whiny, evil, manipulative bitches out there and other exceptions to the rule. For the most part however, you'll find if your woman is secure in her relationship with you, you're going to be happy and so is she.  

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For my dear SO - Hugs babe.

Keepin' it Real

Buzzwords and slang annoy me.

Weak.

Epic.

Winning.

Cloud.

They demonstrate a complete lack of originality. Not only that, they often have multiple meanings, so when they're used, what the heck did the speaker actually mean?

Epic annoys me the most.

Please someone explain to me what "epic fantasy" is as a genre.

Epic, according to Merriam-Webster, means extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope.  So, epic fantasy is extending beyond the ordinary scope of normal fantasy? Fantasy IS freaking made up stuff! How much further BEYOND can you get?


The worst thing is, these perfectly legitimate, normal words get forever branded and you look like an idiot using them even a decade later.

Like, oh my god, totally to the max.

Psych...for real!

Keeping Perspective

I just had an epiphany. I realized why, some days, I hate my job so much and dread talking to a single person.

The reason is the people we give tech support to on a daily basis, those who call all the time over stuff they should know, are the laziest, douchiest people.

The kind of people who are always looking for handouts instead of willing to work.

The thing that we forget as we're bombarded by this day in and day out is that these people only make up about five percent of our customer base. The other ninety-five percent are amazing, hard-working, wonderful, thoughtful people.

Sadly, we don't get to talk to these amazing ninety-five percent. On the rare occasion we do, we sometimes forget that they're not the lazy people we normally work with.

Sometimes, when you're in the thick of whatever bad situation you're in, its hard to see anything past what is right in front of your face. It's easy to judge an entire group of people (our entire client base for example) by the actions of just a few.

A lesson we should all probably consider as we look out on our life and the world around us. When looking at the horrors of humanity, its good to remember that not everyone thinks that way. Not everyone is selfish. Hate, anger, frustration tend to breed more of the same.

Perhaps next time I'm told, "I hate talking to Douche Waffle," I'll try to be positive in return instead of agreeing that Douche Waffle is a well, douche. 

Your thoughts?

Pick-Me-Up!

I've been reading a lot of other blogs lately and I keep running across a constant theme. So many people are down just like me. Down on themselves, unmotivated, and/or depressed.

Is this just a random walk? Am I seeing a pattern that doesn't really exist? Or is there so many tragic and depressing things going on in the world and our own lives right now that we are truly depressed?

A reoccurring statement is pondering why they're feeling this way; that they, like me, actually have lots of really good things going on in their lives right now.

I think we all deserve a pick-me-up!

Okay, maybe flowers aren't your thing...how about a coffee date with a friend? A movie? Take your family to the park? Maybe a family game night? Snuggle on the couch with someone you love?

I believe I need a fresh perspective, and I'm definitely on the look out.

Happy Friday ya'll.

Gone Fishin'

Do you hating asking for feedback as much as I do?

Whether it's my writing or my attire or my new haircut, I feel like crap asking. It's not that I'm fishing for compliments or trying to feed my ego. How can I improve or change if I'm only relying on my own distorted viewpoint?

I feel like if I have to prompt you for feedback it wasn't that great. Or I don't look as nice as I thought I did. Or maybe you just don't care. Plus, how can it be authentic if I put you on the spot?


I guess this blog post counters my argument since it is sort of asking.

I can't win.

"Each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves." -MLK

Bonus Blog Post

Not too long ago I wrote a short called The Cabin. My dear friend, RS Emeline, felt compelled to give it a more, shall we say, definitive conclusion.

I must say, I love the results.  Please go here, check it out and follow her for more awesome stuff!

Authenticity

I was contemplating the other day why I blog. Honestly I started mostly because my good friend RS Emeline was doing it. I figured I could mess around with some stuff, throw some of my writing out there and help generate interest for her amazing writing and the wonderful YA novels she's writing. (Not that she needs my help, she's fabulous and capable all on her own.)

My enthusiasm for it lasted about a week. Then this blog sat idle for nearly a year until something RSE said prompted me to start again. I really enjoy writing, painting a mental picture with words, finding the right one to give you, the reader, the same mental picture I have. It's like trying to describe colors to someone.

"I just got a new blue shirt."

What color blue did you picture? Light blue, dark blue, navy blue? The English language is so robust in its descriptors...like having a fridge full of condiments <wink>.

"I just got a v-neck, short sleeve t-shirt as blue as the Aegean Sea." (Now, we're thinking more along the same lines.)

I also decided I like to blog because I feel like I have a non-judgmental audience. (Although, some posts have been misinterpreted as personal rather than introspective.) I can blog about emotional insecurity. I can share with you how incredibly blue I've been. How hard these last couple weeks have been and how this one doesn't feel any better. I can tell you I feel incredibly disconnected. I can also flip the coin and tell you how ridiculous I'm being because I have many, many things to be grateful and happy for.

Which brings me to authenticity.

Unless your blog specifically represents itself as a resource for something or as the virtual face of a business, I think you should blog what you want. I keep looking at this blog and thinking I should blog something happy or positive.  Problem is, lately I don't feel happy or positive. Therefore, I think I should blog what I want.

I think I should "blog authentically."  I think if I feel down and want to write about it I should.  I think that if I hear something controversial on the news and I have an opinion I want to share, I should go ahead and do so.  I think if I want to blog about politics or religion, I should.

Certainly I can be respectful in expressing my opinion, but I don't think that I should type on eggshells when I blog.

What do you think? Do you want to read what's genuinely on a blogger's mind? Or should they write what they think you want to read? Something that's "politically correct" or neutral or happy?

Sun Up

In the summer, when the days are longer, do you ever notice that you just naturally wake as the day dawns? Sure, if its the weekend, you might turn back over and go right back to sleep, but your body, at least as I understand from science/medicine/whatever, has a natural sleep/wake cycle.

Since its now pitch dark when I wake up in the morning, I have a hard time getting up. I've decided to employ the assistance of a nifty device called the Sun Up. It's essentially a visual alarm clock. I hook it up to my bedside lamp and tell it when I want to be awake.  I also give it the interval I want to use; in other words, how quickly do I want the "sun" to rise.

The first morning I used it I kinda blinked awake and wondered what woke me up. It was a much nicer awakening than the harsh beeping of my alarm. The second morning was a similar feeling of calm and slowly coming alert. I did notice however, that I wake pretty quickly. The interval was set for thirty minutes and I was awake ten minutes into the cycle.

I think I like it. Why start my day being jolted from whatever sleep I managed to slip into only a few hours before? Especially since its pretty much gonna be dark here for the next six months.

Yippee

The Rendezvous - Part 2

Hello. If you haven't had the chance, you might want to read Part 1 here first. Happy reading!

The Rendezvous - Part 2

by KK Sierra

He checked the clock on his dash. Thirty minutes before his babe’s plane landed; plenty of time to grab a pack of cigarettes and a can of Skoal. It was a nasty habit he knew, but not one he was ready to give up.

The convenience store was brightly lit and well designed. The aisles were wide, angling out from the counter to allow the clerk to see customers at any location in the store. The glass front ensured visual confirmation of anyone at the gas pumps, as well.

Standing in line behind a woman, he waited his turn to make his purchase. The woman looked like she hadn’t showered in at least a week and the pungent odor wafting from her made him step back a pace.

“Two thirty-two,” the clerk told the woman.

With painstaking deliberation, she pulled change out of her dirty shorts and one coin at a time, carefully counted out a few quarters, nickels and pennies. Stifling a sigh, he pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time.

The escalating whine caught his attention seconds before the Mazda crashed through the plate glass. He didn’t think, just reacted. With a step forward, he caught the woman around the waist and drug her with him as he pulled them both over and behind the counter, gashing his arm open as they went. The glass in the counter shattered as it was clipped by the passenger side mirror.

A scream was cut off as the car crashed in the back of the store, and then relative silence. The incident had lasted mere seconds.

The scene was surreal as he pried the sobbing woman’s fingers from his arm and helped her get to her feet. She was alright, as was the clerk who was muttering, “oh holy shit.”  Steam hissed from the engine of the car where it rested among the cold sodas and chocolate milk.

His military training had him instinctually aware of his surroundings and he knew exactly where every person had been in the store prior to the car crashing through. Seven people, in all; himself, the clerk, the woman, a man at the soda fountain, two teens in the candy aisle, and a woman at the end cap looking at donuts. He quickly surveyed the room. The donut woman was missing.

Skirting the counter, and stumbling around in the debris, he followed the path of the car. Donut boxes, among other things, had exploded on impact with the car. On the far side of the car, he saw an arm. With authority he spoke to the clerk, “Call the police.” He glanced inside the car at the driver. The old man’s face reflected death. He suspected he’d had a heart attack. Reaching through the open passenger window, he checked the man. The old man had no pulse. He knew there was nothing more he could do for him, and instead focused his attention on the woman. “Tell them we need two ambulances.”

Beckoning Soda Fountain guy he said, “Come help me.” On his hands and knees beside the car, he tried to see the woman. He checked her wrist and found her pulse to be weak, but steady. “See if the clerk has a flashlight. I can’t see anything.” He didn’t want to move her from under the car, until he’d checked her out a little better.

With the flashlight in hand, he was able to see her face. She appeared to be unconscious. Nothing jumped out at him to indicate he needed to leave her under the car until she could be better stabilized. “Help me move her,” he asked Soda Fountain guy.

Together they carefully slid her from under the car. “Hold her head,” he instructed Soda Fountain guy. He helped him put his fingers on either side of her ears, toward her body, keeping her head still.  She wasn’t moving, but it was important to stabilize her head to prevent further trauma. "Don't let her move."

Running through a ingrained mental checklist, he gave her a once over. Her breathing was labored and his exam revealed obviously broken ribs. He suspected significant internal bleeding. However, since she was breathing on her own and there was no more than superficial bleeding to stop, there was little else he could do to help her.

The paramedics arrived shortly thereafter and he let them take over. The clerk was still standing behind the counter and handed him a pack of cigarettes as he walked by. Guess he just had “I need a smoke” written on his face. He walked outside. The parking lot awash with the garish flashing of emergency lights. News crews wouldn't be far behind.

The dirty woman came over to where he stood smoking the much needed cigarette. They matched now; his clothes were filthy, covered with the remnants of broken shelving, dry wall, soda bottles, food and blood. “Thanks,” she said shyly. “I think this is yours.” He took his cell phone and grimaced.  He knew not memorizing phone numbers would someday bite him in the ass. These days he didn’t even bother to memorize the number to his work. Why bother when everything was so conveniently stored in his phone and synced with his computer at home.

Now, looking at the smashed face of his phone, he swore. His babe was waiting; probably waffling between worry and anger. He thought about the young woman inside and how she only wanted donuts. He reflected on how short life was and how quickly it could be taken away. He and his babe were going to have a serious talk soon. 

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