It’s a classic tale. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in
love. Marriage and babies follow. The babies grow up, become friends with their
parents friends’ children, and the cycle begins again. Same school, same church, same sports, same college. It happens all the time
in neighborhoods all over the world. It happened in mine. Those I grew up with
settled down with people that fit with the lifestyle they were already living,
many of them with their childhood sweethearts.
I wonder what the statistics are for how far the average
person gets away from the area where they were born. Fifty mile radius? A couple hundred
maybe? How many people who manage to get away for college or join the military,
end up returning to settle down in their home town?
Does commonality equate with long lasting, happy
relationships? Are mutual interests enough? A shared love of football, hiking,
or pop culture? Or do you need deeper core values in common? Can a Buddhist and
a Catholic have a long term, happy relationship? What about a Democrat and a Republican?
Maybe with mutual respect the differences in opinion simply
make your relationship more interesting. Is such a thing even possible?
If to
your very core you believe in heaven and that you must accept Jesus as your
Savior, can you live knowing your partner refuses to do the same? Does it tear
you up inside?
If you believe in a woman’s right to choose, can your partner
reconcile their belief that life begins at conception?
This isn’t even touching on your friends and family and the
controversy that will arise there. I’m
just musing about things between the two of you. Friends and family are a whole different
mess.
Obviously there was something that attracted you to that
person to begin with. Perhaps that alone says those differences aren’t such a
big deal. On the other hand, who meets a guy at a bar and says, “by the way, I
believe in stem cell research.” Unless, of course, you’re trying to scare him
off. While you’re at it, unless you have something nice to say, you might want
to stay away from the topic of his alma mater as well. ;)
Your thoughts?
I personally believe that a partner should compliment you not reflect you. Sure being able to share interests and values is important however they should not police who you do and don't care about. As you implied it's impossible to know everything about someone before you invest a pretty hefty amount of yourself into them. A couple with two completely different religious beliefs can in fact exist in a healthy fully supportive relationship. Religion and any other aspect about a person can and should be respected, understood and to a certain point supported. If an atheist is dating a devout Christian, they should be able to respect each others beliefs in a manner that allows them to sleep in the same bed.
ReplyDeleteI personally dated someone at a young age who said they did not believe in abortions (and I still feel very strongly against them myself, but that's a matter of personal opinion) but when the circumstances were against us, she sided with her parents and went ahead with the abortion. It tore up my emotionally pretty bad, but did not tarnish in any way the way I loved her. I was disappointed in her, and still loved her no less.
I am not implying this should be the case for everyone, however I am stating the choice is up to you, the individual person to follow your heart or your head, but be ware they rarely coincide in their input.
A commitment from you to another emotionally should not be bound by policy. Love unconditionally and the rest may seem easier to understand and accept. Be sure though, to know the difference between accepting someone else and denying a part of yourself for their favor. Love should never be a deletion of a part of yourself. Never sell yourself short just to please someone else.
An employer would seek to gain very little by hiring a staff with entirely the same skill set, regardless of the position they will be filling.
In the end we should be able to offer much of ourselves to our partner that they cannot find in themselves and vice-versa. To be strong for you when you are weak to joke with you when you are down. It is that opposing force that we need in each other. Open communication about feelings is just as important as supporting each other.
I tend to personally believe a "perfect match" does not break down to the literal interpretation.
KK, another wonderful blog...as usual. As a guy who has been married for twenty-ish years, I can speak with some experience on this subject. I had an instant physical attraction to my wife that exists to this day, but we never had a lot of "common ground" in terms of hobbies or interests. For instance, I tend to prefer all things fantasy, sci-fi and action (not sports so much). my wife is more of a romance (now paranormal romance) reader and reality TV watcher (I abhor reality TV). We also grew up in different religions and even had notably different ideas of what type of homes to purchase, etc....
ReplyDeleteMy wife is pretty much an angel on earth, and has given over quite a number of the big decisions to me (which homes, neighborhoods, etc...). With religion, we simply opted out of organized attendance, which I think was a mutual preference. As for entertainment, we swap off who's going to endure which tragedy of a movie (or let our children choose...though they're close to adults now so we go without them more often these days). As for TV, we have a few shows in common, but for the most part I spend my evenings writing, editing and marketing books, while my wife gorges on reality TV and other equally painful fare. Our commonality of commitment to our children and our history together keep our bond strong, but I wouldn't say our differences have ever been bridged so much as placed on a lower priority so they haven't become an issue.
I think in summary I would say that it has crossed my mind how it would be nice to settle down to a Star Trek movie with a partner who enjoyed it rather than endured it, or to be intimate with someone who had a similar level of interest in politics, science, etc.... But it would be pretty short-sighted of me to imagine that any of that was more important than having a loving wife and amazing mother to my children.
@Anonymous, great points. Thank you for sharing. It's true. If you were looking for yourself, just look in the mirror! I love this statement: Love should never be a deletion of a part of yourself.
ReplyDelete@Tim. You're so awesome. I love your thoughtful responses to my posts. I also noticed however, that I really didn't give my opinion on the matter...just posed the question to the world. I do think that two people with difference backgrounds, showing mutual respect, can get along well in spite of their differences. I had 15 years with someone with a very similar background and that all went to crap, so that is not the key to success in my opinion.
Thank you again for your kind comments! Loves!
Wow, Tim---that is amazing insight. My husband and I have been married for almost seven years, not long compared to your experience, but still a substantial chunk of time none the less. We have pretty much zero in common, and aside from a mutual attraction and love for our daughter that's probably how it will always be.
ReplyDeleteI'm a reader and a writer, he's a movie buff and martial arts expert. He prefers action, martial arts movies, and horror. On the rare occasions I actually watch a movie, I want something a little more lighthearted, or at least have a plot other than blowing things up.
Though, I really did like the movie the Marine, but it had nothing to do with the plot or the acting. ;)
I digress.
It's nice to know that "it would be pretty short-sighted of me to imagine that any of that was more important than having a loving wife and amazing mother to my children."
You're an amazing person and your words have given me even more hope for the future of my marriage.