I Don't Fetch Coffee or Take Messages

If I haven't given you the whole "about me" picture yet, I'm sorry. I work in IT. Among a long list of other things, I provide technical support for our software. It used to be just me and the Boss that did this. Now, a few years later, we have two other tech support people and a third support staff gopher type person. Lucky for me, I no longer spend all day doing tech support. This is a good thing. I don't think my heart could handle it. My liver either.

Today's piss-me-off conversation went something like this:

Annoying Guy (AG from here forward): "Hey, can I get one of your tech support guys?"

Me: "I am one of those tech support guys." (Who do you think I am? The effing receptionist? You sexist jackass.)

AG: "Oh, well, we connected up yesterday and one of your guys did a bunch of updates to our system and now our software isn't working."

Me: "Uh huh." (Because of course, we're the only ones who could have possibly had any effect whatsoever on your computer, realistically this is our fault. There's no way you're surfing the net, playing games, or downloading porn on your office computer, right?) "So, what exactly is happening?"

AG: "I have to keep restarting and it's acting funny."

Me: (Just for fun, I'm gonna make an educated guess...) "Do you have a mixed environment? XP machines don't play very well with Windows 7 machines."

AG: "Yes, we have both."

Me: "Which one is functioning as your server?"

AG: "The XP machine, I think."

Me: (You think? We deal in specifics here jackass, not "I think." When you get a new client do you accept, "I think"? We both know you don't.) "Can you confirm that? It's important."

AG: "Yeah, its an XP."

Me: "Okay, then why don't you connect your computer up to me and I'll poke around in your system." (AG bitches and moans for several minutes while I wait....and wait...finally...) "I don't see you connecting up yet."

AG: "This is the first time I've called you guys. I don't know what to do."

Me: (Wait a minute? What? Really jackass?!?! Pretty sure you said at the beginning of this conversation, "We connected yesterday." If you didn't connect yesterday and you clearly don't know what's going on, why the fuck am I even talking to you? Why are you acting like you have answers and information when you obviously don't? How about you put someone on the phone who has a clue, eh?) "Oh, okay, well, go to XXX and click YYY."

AG: "I can't, it's all locked up."

Me: (Glaring at phone, wondering why he didn't say so to start with, preparing to offer an alternative...) "What exactly is all locked up? The program or the computer?"

AG: "The whole computer. Do I need to reboot it?"

Me: (What exactly do you expect me to do about that from here jackass?? Do you think I have some magic genie wand that unfreezes computers from across the United States?) "Yes, please." (You freaking douche bag without a brain.)

AG: "I guess I'll have to call you back."

Me: (Oh can you please!?! I'm just sitting here on pins and needles for the opportunity to talk to you again.) "Okay then. Have a nice day." (Eye twitching at this point.)

<rant>

We're talking about computers here. As "random" as things may appear, I assure you they are not random. They are very black and white. Do a, b and c get result 1. Do b, c, and then a, get result 2.

Granted, the programmer's logic may make things a little funky, you may find a loophole in his logic, but this is because programmers are HUMAN.

Human's make mistakes.

Computers just read code and follow steps. So if your computer is acting up, I need a very specific, "I did this and then this and finally this." Armed with THAT kind of information, I can usually figure out what happened and help you.


I hope you take two things away from this 1) a giggle...this was supposed to be entertaining, and 2) give your IT guy a break. He (or she) needs specific information. If you really are that clueless, get the hell out of his way so he can poke around and try to recreate whatever the hell you did.

Just as a general side note, if you know the answer to something, why ask in the first place? Professionals, be they IT guys or doctors or whatever, really despise giving you an answer and then having you say, "you're wrong."

LOL...one more side note about IT people...there are a lot of jerks out there that claim to be IT guys. Having "geek" in front of their business name doesn't mean anything no matter how big the brand is that's attached to them. There is very little to regulate anyone from saying, "I'm an IT guy." Certifications mean they can pass a test, not that they actually know anything useful. You can watch a whole lot of money disappear without getting anything resolved. Choose wisely, get referrals and for goodness sake, if you get a good one, hang on to him (or her).

</rant>

PS Hope you all have lovely plans for the weekend. :)