Not all parents may agree with me, but I allow my oldest to have email and be social online with his friends with the provision that I have access to his accounts and he doesn't hide things. I don't take advantage of his privacy often, just occasionally peek into his world. He and I have a pretty good relationship and talk often, so I don't feel the need to poke around with much frequency.
What I found today shocked me. I've read erotica less explicit than the saved chat log I found between him and his girlfriend. (Ironic that I just blogged about trust, right?!)
When I asked him about it, he responded as you'd expect from any teenager. "What's the big deal? Everyone at school talks/behaves this way."
As a teen mother myself, I know exactly what the big deal is. It took some time and some tears, from both of us, before he finally understood.
The thought that finally got through and made the rest of the pieces fall into the big picture for him? "How would you feel about the boy who has that conversation with your sister?"
His response, "I'd kill him."
"Son," I asked, "what makes it okay for you to be that boy?"
I pray he keeps that in mind as he continues to travel down the road to manhood. He's seen the less than stellar example of his father. He's seen the much better example of his friends' fathers. I hope he remembers that the girls and women he encounters in life are someone's sister, someone's daughter, and treats them with the same respect he'd like to see his mom and his sisters treated.
Hi, KK. Another great blog. My wife and I have always stressed to our children that treating others with respect is a necessity and our personal law. We have explained to them since they were young that making fun of people who are different, disadvantaged, or even intentionally odd is never acceptable. With each of the three we personally extended the message to the people they dated and explained that respect comes in a lot of forms other than avoiding insults.
ReplyDeleteBecause I tend to be an intimidating guy at times, and because I always assumed my children were human and would lie if given the opportunity, I was fortunate to catch several "relationship issues" early. Though I'm sure we didn't maintain purity or sainthood for any of the children, we did instill in them reason to fear parents as well as the results of poor behavior.
I absolutely agree with your communication to your son, and my wife would absolutely agree with your right to spy. I've always insisted that though I want my children to maintain a relationship with me when they reach adulthood, that desire for friendship gives me no right to dodge my parenting responsibilities in the meantime. I must first ensure that my children not only survive to adulthood but also become their highest and best selves to the extent they can.
Sounds to me that you have helped your son reach the second goal, KK. :-)