Early in my youth, my childhood was very normal for the time period. My mom was stay at home mom while my father worked. She made all of our meals from scratch, hung our clothes out to dry to save money on electricity, helped us with our homework, read books to us at night, baked cookies, and grew a garden. Later in life, my father was injured and my mother took "what she knew" and became a housekeeper to support our family. After he recovered, they both continued to work together in the business my mom established.
Through this I learned perseverance, responsibility and independence. I remember a critical point when I was about seven when I realized that tears were a weakness and using them would not change things or get me what I wanted. I've hated to cry ever since. Emotions left you vulnerable. It was much safer to suppress them and not have to rely on anyone.
I had always wanted to keep up with the boys, but I began down a road of striving to be as good as them if not better. I prided myself on my ability to throw the football as well as they could, to chase down a pop fly, to glory in my scabs and bruises and how I got them.
I think there are a lot of women out there like me. We don't need a man. We possibly know more about our cars than you do, can change our own oil and a flat tire. We can balance our check book. We'll work multiple jobs if that's what needs to be done to make ends meet. We don't mind traveling alone. We're perfectly capable of setting up a tent, starting a fire and aren't scared of things that go bump in the night. We can mow the lawn, wield an ax, fix a broken pipe, handle killing small rodents and even take out the trash. I'm proud of being a strong woman. I wouldn't want to be co-dependent. However…
No one told me going down this road was going to completely backfire on me.
No one told me that men flock to the damsel in distress vibe like sharks react to blood.
Just because I don't need a man, doesn't mean I don't need a Man. I'm not talking about sexually, because there are solutions for that…lots of them. Those of us that are strong and independent need emotional support. Even if we have trouble admitting it.
We're dying inside.
Worse, we'll justify with ourselves that we're fine. We're always fine.
I read that when people drown they don't actually flail around screaming and calling for help like they portray in the movies. It's actually when they're quiet and still that they're probably drowning. How To Identify Drowning (Fascinating article; check it out if you spend much time around water.)
I guess, bottom line what I'm saying is, before you go play hero to rescue that
Guys..I'd really like YOUR feedback on this.
Oh babe, I know this is a serious post, and I completely get that. We've had this discussion before so we're both on the same page.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I couldn't help but laugh literally out loud at the strike out wording. It is so classically us, and I'm so very glad you wrote it like that.
Bring on the snark.
R.S.
It is that, but you know me...if you can't laugh at your misery what have you got?
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say I'm a strong woman. I believe it to be true. I can change a tire, and probably the oil ( I have definitely added oil to my vehicle when necessary). I don't know that I could set up a tent- I've never had to do this ( my idea of roughing it is staying in a Super 8 ). However, I am confident that I am capable of reading and following the directions. I am literate. Confident that I can do almost anything- with a little time and some research. That being said- it's always nice to know I have someone to depend on. I think you're correct though- men gravitate to the damsel in distress. I don't understand this..instead of finding someone strong and capable, someone he's able to build a life with, a partner...he'll choose someone who has to be taken care of. I don't want to be that weak woman. I want my guy to know that when the chips are down I am strong enough to cope, to be there with him in the thick of it. I find it very difficult to find the sympathy for these woman. In fact, most of the time I have little to no tolerance- I just want to say : " develope a backbone. It's time to learn how to do things for yourself." I don't need a man, this is true. But I do "NEED" him to be there for me at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteWell said Karie. Well said. I'd like to take this moment to tell you that I admire the choices that you have made. Be proud that you're a strong woman. It's a good thing in the end. It really is.
Thanks Kate. I believe you are a strong woman. I admire many things about you as well. Partner...such a wonderful word...why don't people get that? Appreciate your feedback! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't like drama queens. I don't pay too much attention to damsels in distress, as it's a red flag for me that shouts, "I can't take care of myself." It is pretty cliché, though it's the natural order of things. Men want to feel strong and important. If they can play hero it raises their testosterone level. "I will protect you, my babe!" Women feed into this action when they want attention, regardless of their underlying motives. Yet... its a double edge sword because it's not long before the guy grows disinterested in the gal's constant pleas for help, it turns into nagging. Although it sounds like men are the confusing ones... I want to throw in the obligatory, "Women are crazy."
ReplyDeleteResponse, Part I
ReplyDeleteKK, you have posted such an obviously honest post that I feel compelled to do the same. What I'm going to tell you is not common knowledge but is common fact. Why isn't it common knowledge? It's because most men(and I mean 90+ percent) do not self-assess or outwardly discuss their attractions and therefore do not consciously understand them.
Rest assured, the information I'm about to impart will likely change not just your entire view of men, but your entire view of all interaction with us.
Men do not explore, understand nor feel any attraction to emotion. Period. End of story.
Men are first and foremost visually attracted. To what you ask? Well...I'm about to blow those secrets wide open. And, while we're at it, I'm going to explain why women "think" we are attracted to damsels in distress, which is not true.
Men 101.
First, I read a joke posted on an Amazon thread recently, and it holds part of the key. I'm passing it on exactly as I found it, but unfortunately I don't have any clue where it originated (though a Google search might tell us). Please know, however, that I can't take credit though would love to...
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, `Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, `I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
Response Part II
ReplyDeleteSo that sums up the difference between us. Women really do think a lot about relationships and what is or isn't going on beneath the surface. Men, we think about the lawn.
So, what are men attracted to?
Appearance. Appearance. Appearance. We like to be with a girl who is nice to look at.
I'll break this down into several categories, because we aren't all attracted to the same features. First, I'll list them, probably in order of importance: slim waist, large chest relative to waist, nice hair, pretty face, thick lips, nice hips butt offset by smaller waist, nice legs, and the one non-visual feature that makes the top of the list "quiet."
You'll notice I never included emotional or non-emotional, intelligent or unintelligent, self-sufficient or not, funny or not. Why? Most guys don't care. Not at all. We only care to the extent you like or dislike any of those features in us. We only care what you think and have no personal interest in your "internal traits" beyond that.
How do any of these issues relate to the damsel in distress? They don't. They relate to the last two combined points I didn't mention: available and accessible. A woman who needs a man is obviously telling us to "come here." While we're there we know you're available. And most guys prefer available to unavailable...especially since it bypasses all possibility of rejection.
So if you're more independent, how can you attract a guy? Easy. Just say can you come here to watch me change my oil or please "come here" and watch me paint my fence, the key words being "come here." Once we're there, you've got us. Simple.
But what if you really prefer to "visually" appeal to a guy. Again, just go back to the list. After the age of 30, thin is attractive. Then show off your best assets from the list (in a relatively classy way for most guys, assuming you want a relationship and not a quick night).
I know it sounds too simple or offensive to think we don't judge you on personality traits, but trust me when I tell you when it comes to relationships men are not deep. Those that think they are either have a partner who has fooled them or they are fooling themselves. As long as you're not yelling at us, we're good.
End Men 101 :-)
Tim, I'm not sure if I should be relieved or horrified.
ReplyDeleteResponse Part III
ReplyDeleteI should have clarified, KK, that my comments reflect men and dating. Relationships go to a completely different places after that, places that I couldn't even begin to analyze. I also didn't mean to infer that men are not emotional, but only that they are not looking for or responding to emotion during the dating cycle.
In a lot of ways, I think we guys are NOT US when we're courting. We're much simpler and less judgable, which would make choosing one of us completely maddening for women. I think that might be why many people say wait for the honeymoon period of 6 months to a year before you decide on marriage, because after it's too late. :-)
In response to your response, I would think relieved. You didn't get my Part III yet. My comments are in regards to men dating. Once a relationship settles in, we actually become semi-complete people. But catching us is usually as simple as saying "hi" and smiling. :-)
ReplyDeleteTim, I always strive to write openly and honestly. Thank you for your thoughtful feedback in return. I feel very honored to have you as a follower.
ReplyDeleteTim,
ReplyDeleteI have to say I am completely impressed with your open and honest evaluation of men. I think because for the most part what you see is what you get with them is why I've always had more male friends than female.
There are far too many D.I.D's in the female world to make me comfortable. People who need a man to be complete drive me bonkers, same with women who can't separate herself from the man long enough to spend time with the other people who love them.
I got a few chuckles out of reading your comments too, because the mental image painted was just too funny, not because I think it's a joke, but because I remember the day I met my husband.
For all intents and purposes it was pretty much the same as 'come here and watch me paint my fence." Only it went more like, "Come here." I ran my hands over his chest. "You'll do."
Yep. No deeper emotion that. Just I liked what I saw and felt under his shirt. Apparently he liked my features too. :)
R.S.