Eventually

I was talking to a girlfriend today about babies and being pregnant.  She mentioned that she couldn't possibly imagine being older than she is now and pregnant. Specifically she referenced women in their 40's; those "bitches having babies are crazy!"  This led to a conversation about "eventually."

I think humans spend too much time waiting/wishing for what comes next and not enough focused on the now. Eventually creeps in and annoys even when we have a focused goal. All too often we lose track and feel like tomorrow will always be there....that we'll always have one more day, one more opportunity.  This is apparent when I listen to my kid's friends make comments like, "I can't wait until I'm 18."  If only they would enjoy the fleeting time of youth...you never get it back!

What about if you knew exactly when you were going to die?  Would it weigh upon you and make it hard to live your life? Would you make efforts to change your fate? Or would it encourage you to take every single day and live to its absolute fullest?

Since there is no way to know exactly how long we'll live, how much of your life have you spent waiting for something that was "eventually" going to happen? How do you feel if it never happens? Change goals? Redirect? Wallow in misery?

Eventually, I'll have enough saved to go on vacation.
Eventually, I'll be able to buy that house/car/whatever.
Eventually, I'll feel good enough.
Eventually, I'll lose twenty pounds.
Eventually, I'll be happy.
Eventually, I'll go back to school.
Eventually, I'll look for a different job.

Eventually, eventually, eventually, in an ever deepening rut, until there is no time left for eventually and instead it is just about regrets.

I have lots of regrets about the time when I was married.  I spent way too many years stressing and carrying other people's burdens.  I spent way too much time worrying about other people's expectations. I didn't spend nearly enough time relaxing and just being with my kids or trying/seeing/doing new things or being happy with who I was. I try to be better, but some days it is all so overwhelming. Then I get antsy and frustrated and angry.  I want to scream and cry and swear at people. It's hard not to project those feelings. I don't want be 60 or 70, and realize I realistically only have maybe a decade of time left. Looking back on the failure of my 20's is bad enough.

Sometimes it feels like trying to catch water. It seeps out between your fingers until there is nothing left but a damp reminder of what used to be. I think maybe you can't hold on to happiness and serenity and peace. You can only have it for a brief period of time. You have to figure out its source and then keep replenishing it.

Waiting - A 5x5 Short Story

Another 5x5 story:

Waiting by KK Sierra

The phone sits in silence.

The mailbox yields no correspondence.

Harsh glow in the dark.

Minutes tick into long days.

Blank page; the cursor blinks.

Purgatory

I think limbo must be the worst kind of torture. Granted, I've never experienced real torture, so I'm sure someone will tell me I'm wrong.

Think of all the things that are hard or tedious for you to do: school, work, being separated from someone you love, a work out, etc.

School: as awful as it may be has a definitive deadline. You can count down the days until your next weekend, your next break, until the end of the semester, etc.

Work: for most will never go away unless we win the lottery, but still has a definitive (although resetting) countdown. The end of the day, the end of the week, your next vacation, or until you find a new job.

A workout:  Even as you push yourself to the point of dying, the workout has to end at some point. If its a class, it'll end at a designated time.  If you're being driven to run a mile, it'll end at the end of the mile. No matter how it feels, it won't last forever.

The indeterminable however, that is the worst. Purgatory. The waiting with no sure timeline. That is what starts to wear on you. And wear. And wear. It makes you a little crazy I think. 

I want to stop waiting on other people to act. I want to get on with my life. 

The waiting. The wishing. The wanting. The missing.