Eventually

I was talking to a girlfriend today about babies and being pregnant.  She mentioned that she couldn't possibly imagine being older than she is now and pregnant. Specifically she referenced women in their 40's; those "bitches having babies are crazy!"  This led to a conversation about "eventually."

I think humans spend too much time waiting/wishing for what comes next and not enough focused on the now. Eventually creeps in and annoys even when we have a focused goal. All too often we lose track and feel like tomorrow will always be there....that we'll always have one more day, one more opportunity.  This is apparent when I listen to my kid's friends make comments like, "I can't wait until I'm 18."  If only they would enjoy the fleeting time of youth...you never get it back!

What about if you knew exactly when you were going to die?  Would it weigh upon you and make it hard to live your life? Would you make efforts to change your fate? Or would it encourage you to take every single day and live to its absolute fullest?

Since there is no way to know exactly how long we'll live, how much of your life have you spent waiting for something that was "eventually" going to happen? How do you feel if it never happens? Change goals? Redirect? Wallow in misery?

Eventually, I'll have enough saved to go on vacation.
Eventually, I'll be able to buy that house/car/whatever.
Eventually, I'll feel good enough.
Eventually, I'll lose twenty pounds.
Eventually, I'll be happy.
Eventually, I'll go back to school.
Eventually, I'll look for a different job.

Eventually, eventually, eventually, in an ever deepening rut, until there is no time left for eventually and instead it is just about regrets.

I have lots of regrets about the time when I was married.  I spent way too many years stressing and carrying other people's burdens.  I spent way too much time worrying about other people's expectations. I didn't spend nearly enough time relaxing and just being with my kids or trying/seeing/doing new things or being happy with who I was. I try to be better, but some days it is all so overwhelming. Then I get antsy and frustrated and angry.  I want to scream and cry and swear at people. It's hard not to project those feelings. I don't want be 60 or 70, and realize I realistically only have maybe a decade of time left. Looking back on the failure of my 20's is bad enough.

Sometimes it feels like trying to catch water. It seeps out between your fingers until there is nothing left but a damp reminder of what used to be. I think maybe you can't hold on to happiness and serenity and peace. You can only have it for a brief period of time. You have to figure out its source and then keep replenishing it.

Happy Thoughts

The mind is an amazing thing. You can be focused on what's in front of you while your brain is ruminating on something else entirely.  Your characters can be plotting and developing in the recesses of your mind, for example. Or a conversation you had could be replaying in your head. Lyrics to your favorite song could be on repeat.

Often you don't even realize it until you have that "ah ha" breakthrough moment, or when you catch yourself humming or singing.

Peter Pan had it right. With a happy though you can fly!

My favorite people are my happy thoughts and they're always on my mind. First thing in the morning; last thing at night. Not in an obsessive, stalkerish sort of way, but they're always there, in the recesses of my mind. My happy place.

They're just there, making me smile. My mind touches on thoughts of them throughout the day. Those that I'm closest too are never far from my heart and my immediate thoughts. Usually that thought inspires a quick text just because or a funny tweet or sometimes an email or a *gasp* hand-written note. Sometimes the thought makes me do something crazy, like send flowers, a silly gift, or have Chinese food delivered.

When my kids are at school, I sometimes note the time and think, "oh they're at lunch" or "I hope my son's test went well."  My BFF is a long distance away from me and no day feels complete without at least a good morning and good night text. 

When I haven't heard from them I have this emptiness, a distinct feeling that something is missing. My happy is missing a key component.

If there is a good reason for the lack of connection, my mind lingers on them and while I miss them, I mostly think how lucky I am to have such great people in my life.  However, when there is no plausible explanation, I find it hard to focus on anything but the missing component.

How about you? What are your happy thoughts? What do you do when they go missing? What have you done lately to show the people you love how much you appreciate them?

The Things You'll do for Your Kids

I was raised around animals...outdoor animals. They required feeding, but little picking up after or other attention. I am not a fan of pets.

But for my kids, we got a dog.

"We'll walk him, Mom. Play with him, Mom. Pick up after him, Mom. Remember to feed him, Mom."

Oh yeah, all the promises.

Did that happen? Of course not. Mom walked the dog. Mom picked up poo. Mom fed and watered the dog. Mom found the dog a new home with people who loved him.

"A smaller pet, Mom. Something we can keep in a cage in our rooms."

And so, for my kids, we got guinea pigs.

This was somewhat better. Mom nagged the kids to feed the gp's. Mom nagged the kids to water the gp's. Mom nagged the kids to clean the gp's cage and give them a bath. Mom said, "keep that away from the gp."

Did that happen? No. Someone forgot. The gp's, who like to gnaw on everything, gnawed on the wrong thing and passed away.

"Can we get a cat, Mom?  Oh, please, oh please?"

And so, for my kids, we got a cat.

And, this time Mom got a feeder that held a half-gallon of water and a self-feeder to hold enough cat food for a weekend away. (Mom refills both.) Mom got a litter box. (Mom empties the litter box.) Mom got cat toys. Mom got a comfy bed for the cat to sleep in. Mom got a scratching post.

The kids love the cat and play with it. Happy kids. Yay!

The cat is driving mom insane. It scatters litter on her bathroom floor. Then it pushes its half-gallon water container all over the floor, sloshing water as it goes until the litter and water has mixed to create a fabulous concrete paste.  Mom has never cleaned her bathroom floor so often in her life.

Oh, and Mom's furniture has scratches.

And so, for Mom, there will be no more pets after the cat.