Delivering Bad News

How do you break someone's heart?

I mean, knowingly sit them down and give them information that will crush them?

I never gave the Ex's feelings a single thought when I kicked him out. The only thought was the safety of my children and myself. When his actions persisted, it destroyed any remaining desire for reconciliation. I moved on. I had to. I can't say the same for him. Nearly two years later, as our divorce finally nears completion, he still professes his love. I'm sorry he still feels that way. I don't, however, feel any guilt over it. Not one iota.

Not the same for this other situation. After thirty some odd years on this earth, I've decided to make yet another big change in my life. I'm moving away from the church and the way my parents raised me. All their effort and desires are going to be for naught because I'm walking away from it all.

I imagine this might be a little how gays and lesbians feel. The burning desire to be who you are coupled with the fear of hurting those you love in the process.

This has been eating at me for a long time. This trying to make the right decision. I'm still not fully convinced its the right thing to do.  I did stop and ask myself, "could you walk away from the potential you see in your future, and stay on the expected path. Could you live with yourself?"

My answer was yes. Yes, I could continue to live the life I am expected to live. I could continue to raise my children as I was raised. I could live a lie, and I would be absolutely miserable.

The next question was, "can you live with the fallout?"  The fallout being the likelihood that I'm going to be disowned. The fallout of knowing I've once again disappointed my parents.

I've thought long and hard about this, and I don't know. I also don't know for certain what the fallout will be. My parents could react differently than I expect them to (unlikely) or they could react exactly like I expect them to, but later with more thought and reflection, they may decide that my decision wasn't the end of the world they expected.

Having come to the decision that I'm going to quit "hiding", the question is how to tell them. On one hand I'd like to give them a well thought out letter. Something that allows me to explain what I'm doing without the emotional drama of tears and yelling. Something that allows time for thoughtful reflection on exactly what I'm telling them.

On the other hand, do they have the right to hear it straight from me? To have their moment of pain, grief and lashing out?

I don't know which is right. I've been in situations where I would've liked the letter and the opportunity to compose myself that it enabled.  I've also been confronted with situations where a letter is not good enough. I want to look into the person's eyes and see their body language while they give me bad news.

Thoughts?

P.S. My mom called the other night. She said I didn't seem myself lately and she wanted to know if she could help me in any way. This is going to be so much harder than I thought. :(

Change is Inevitable

My ex commented the other day that I’d changed. He said it like it was a bad thing. 

I do see some changes, but mostly I see me. The me that was suppressed. Not that he was oppressive in that way. He didn’t control what I wore or who I was friends with, but there were certain expectations to our life and I never wandered much outside of them.  In addition, he wasn’t particularly supportive of my dreams or ideas.  (I’m still pretty timid in sharing a lot of things about me because of that. I didn’t start writing again, for example, until a couple months before we separated.)  Mostly, it was just the crushing weight of unbalanced responsibility that kills the spirit.

All those years we were together he never really knew me. He says I’m a cold, heartless bitch. I call it determined, focused, and steady. Being determined to do the right thing, to not give into emotional weakness, does not a bitch make.

Whether we want to admit it or not, our past relationships influence our present ones. We may even deliberately refuse to compare our new interest with our past interests. In spite of our best efforts, however, we’re going to. We're going to make sure that old feelings of inadequacy aren't dredged up. We're going to be cautious against traveling down the same road of acceptance. We're going to find it hard not to expect result B from action A.

I don't want to go down an old path. I desperately want to know and be known. I want to find that person who’ll take the time to know me better than I know myself. I still feel lost and I want to be found. Call me morbid, but sometimes I wonder who would speak at my services if I passed away. Who really knows me well enough to? What would they say?

I read once, “You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never love someone until you find out what makes them cry.” I remember lonely nights when the tears fell silently, the reason I was crying a scant eighteen inches away, oblivious to my hurt. I want someone to know what makes me cry. I never want to feel like I have to censor my emotions. Equally important, I want to know that person in return.

Blake Shelton sings a beautiful song called, “Who Are You When I’m Not Looking?”

Do you pour a little something on the rocks?

Slide down the hallway in your socks?

When you undress, do you leave a path?

Then sink to your nose in a bubble bath?

Do you break things when you get mad?

Eat a box of chocolates cause you’re feeling bad?

Do you paint your toes cause you bite your nails?

Call up momma when all else all fails?

I don’t want to be Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton and you’re never going to see me try out for reality TV show, but just for fun, I’ll share a couple things I do when no one is looking:

• I drink straight out of the milk carton.
• I belch…not burp, belch. Loudly.
• I cry when I’m drinking alone. (It’s not pretty.)
• I rent movies with music and dancing like the Step Up series and old Doris Day flicks.
• I almost always burn at least one grilled cheese sandwich.

What about you? Who are you when no one is looking?