The Hot Tub

It had been a stressful day and I just wanted a few minutes to relax. I flipped the timer and the bubbles started pumping furiously in the salty water. The kids were entertaining themselves in the swimming pools and had promised not to let anyone drown. Just in case, I had a clear view of them from the hot tub.

Easing into the hot water, I popped my ear buds in and started my favorite playlist. After taking a deep breath, I slowly blew it out, relaxing as I enjoyed the water pounding against my back. Not perfection, but a good start towards relief.

A few minutes later there’s a disturbance in my serenity. No, it’s not the kids trying to kill each other or being too rambunctious. It’s a man in swimwear inappropriate outside of Europe; swimwear that only Daniel Craig can get away with. I acknowledge his presence with a slight smile and a nod and return to my music. Only, a polite smile and nod wasn’t good enough for Speedo Man. Nope. Speedo Man wants to talk.

I can see his lips moving but I have no idea what he is saying with Eminem blasting in my ears. With considerable effort not to sigh aloud, I pull out my ear buds and with raised eyebrows ask, “I’m sorry, what?”

Speedo Man wants to know about my cell service provider, if I’m happy with them and what kind of coverage they have. He makes the assumption that I’m Mexican and asks if I’ve heard of the super popular cell phone plan they’re selling at the market down the street. We talk for a couple minutes before I put my ear buds back in. It’s a universal sign for conversation over, right? Apparently not because barely one song later, he’s starting again. When I pretend not to notice, he waves his hand in my face.

Now he wants to tell me about the evils of metal fillings. I laugh because in my opinion dentists are the devil. A mistake because now he thinks I'm interested. He goes on and on and on. Seriously? I’m not discussing my dental health with a stranger in the hot tub. I leave one ear bud in so I don’t really have to listen to him and try to recapture my zen. He goes on for another ten minutes. Mercifully, just as I’m about to hold his head under water until the bubbles stop, another person enters the hot tub and Speedo Man gives his dental spiel to him. I put my ear buds back in and ignore them.

I’m getting warm. My son joins us in the hot tub and sadly this causes the attention to return to us. “Oh is that your sister?” Speedo Man coyly asks. My son looks at him like he’s grown another head, “This is my mom.” Dumbfuck is clearly implied but not spoken. Speedo Man gives me a flirty grin. Eww. Now I’ve really had enough. I give up and leave the hot tub while wondering how much a tub with jets is at Home Depot and how I could've politely told the dumbass that ear buds in means leave me the hell alone.