Girls Don't Shake

There are just some basics you can't do without. Coffee is a big one for me, for example. So when I make a trek to the almighty Costco there are specific supply levels I check before I go: coffee, toilet paper, paper towels, laundry detergent, cold cereal, milk and bread.

Unless you live under a rock you know Costco sells pretty much everything in bulk. This includes the toilet paper. Thirty-six individually wrapped super rolls. If I have less than a dozen in my linen closet, it's time to buy more. Presently, I believe, there are five left, so Costco is in my near future.

My safety net against running out of TP is the holder in my bathroom. It hangs off the tank and holds four rolls. In the unlikely event that I don't have any more TP in the linen closet, I should (theoretically) have four in the holder. The net is further strengthened by the fact I have two bathrooms, one of which is rarely used, so if I commit a fatal shopping oversight I can steal the roll from the second bathroom.

In the words of Taro Gomi, “Everyone Poops!” and therefore running out of TP is a debacle everyone should work proactively to avoid.

I'm betting everyone has been in the missing TP predicament. I actually have several stories, but the best one would get me disowned, so we'll go with this one: One time we were hiking in the Olympic Mountains, and my daughter, nearly four at the time (she’s going to love me for sharing this), needed to use the bathroom. Outhouses were down the trail at least a half mile, and we quickly headed towards them. However, being a small child, we weren't down the trail very far when she insisted she could absolutely not make it one more step. Tears ensued, and we quickly hid off the trail in the woods so she could do her business. Did she need to pee? Oh heck no…she needed to poop. Regretting potty training now, aren’t we?! Pants were fully removed, deed was done and then what? No TP! No tissues in my pocket. No napkins or paper towels. Not even a grocery receipt. Nada! I suppose if I were a “real" man, I might have been inclined to pick off some leaves, but we are talking about a child’s hiney. Solution? Her underpants, of course. I wonder how long it takes for underwear to degrade.

My friend recently moved into a new place, and of the essentials listed above, only one was in his house. I mentioned he was going to need to go shopping…soon! The advice went unheeded and guess who was left without TP? Yeah, that would be me. Thanks, babe.

All you guys out there, I have news for you…Girls Don’t Shake!