On Giving and Not Getting

Do you give more than you get back?  Does it make sense to keep giving when it is unrequited?

You hear this most often in reference to love, but I'm thinking in other contexts too.

Are you the polite type that always says please and thank you? Opens doors for people? Gives up your seat on the bus? 

If that is never, ever, ever reciprocated do you keep doing it because you feel it's right? Or do you eventually become embittered?

I know for me there are things I like to do that I wish the recipients would reciprocate or at least acknowledge...but on the other hand, they're things I enjoy doing...so I'm thinking I should just take pleasure in that and leave it be. :)

What do you think? I'm curious.

Another random thought...does anyone else have the issue with their brain and mouth being completely disconnected? Sometimes I find people will say, "Have a nice day" or "Thanks for coming" and I think, "Thanks, you too" or "Thank you for having us" but it totally fails to exit my mouth and by the time I realize I didn't actually say anything, it's too late and I look like a jerk.

Crossovers

One day my coworker tells me how excited he is for a new video game about to be released. I'm not sure what it's categorized as exactly, but it's a role playing/third person shooter game. I'm not into video games myself, so I am amused when he tells me he's going to drive to town, thirty minutes away, for the big release at midnight. Crazy, crazy man.

So the game comes out and I hear more about how awesome it is and how the storyline is changing. Ah...the storyline. He tells me he's reading a book that tells the story that proceeds the first game. Being the book buff that I am, I look it up on Amazon and read the first few pages. It's a great story. I'm sucked in in just a few pages. "So...," I ask, "how soon will you be done with the book?"

My coworker doesn't read as fast as I do, so he let's me borrow it. I devour it and return it two days later. Then I buy the next book in the series...and the next.  There is one more and possibly a fifth in the future. Woot!

I know this type of game-to-book writing happens frequently. I know that things like the Star Wars Chronicles exist. Even so, when I read what I consider to be crossovers, I'm totally drawn into them and a little at awe. Why? These writers have taken an already richly defined world and made it even more robust. Characters that were loved are given more dimension.  It's a fine line to walk for a writer, in my opinion. They must keep true to the original character as perceived by the gamers.

This book series was so enthralling, I even picked up the game controller and went a few rounds with my son.  I suck, by the way, a lot. :)  I don't think earning the "Go On Without Me" ribbon three times is something to brag about.

Shadow Update

Thought I'd give you an update on the cat we got a couple months ago. She's quite spoiled and is enjoying being a house cat. She's totally torn up my curtains and scratched my couch.

Watching her chase her toy mouse or a bouncing ball across our wood floors is hysterical. She can't get any traction and slides all over the place.

I'm not a fan of her wandering the house at night. When I let her do this when she first came to live with us she jumped up on my bed all night long...well, until I was sick of it and put her in the bathroom.  This has become our nightly ritual. When it's bed time, the girls give the cat loves and she gets put in the bathroom with her food, water and litter box.

Due to some half-assed handy work my bathroom door doesn't have a latch. So I can pull it shut and it's pretty tight, but it doesn't actually latch closed. 

When the cat is totally annoyed with being shut in the bathroom she claws under the door at the carpet and such. It's quite funny to see her little paw dart out from under the door.  At least, it was funny until she figured out she could claw at the door...and pull it open.

I didn't believe it until I saw with my own eyes. Strong cat...a bit ingenious too.  If she's that smart why can't she figure out I don't want her in my bed?

A Quote

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Thoughts on Sleeves

I realized the other day that I am a bit weird about sleeves. When it is cool out, I like to wear long sleeve shirts and hoodies. However, I noticed I am always pushing the sleeves up. They're usually about half way up my forearm.

Kinda like this...only I don't look remotely like her.

Funny thing is, although I push my sleeves up like that I am absolutely NOT a fan of 3/4 sleeves.

Note the sleeves hit exactly the same spot as the pushed up jacket above.

I actually have a shirt just like that one...I hate it. I don't know why it is still in my closet. I never wear it.

The one disadvantage to pushing your sleeves up all day...the sleeves get kinda stretched out & look funny by the end of the day.

It's Done

I went to court Wednesday and my eighteen months of torture are finally over. The ex is now officially, legally, the Ex. Thank god.

I'm hoping with this weight lifted I can finally get a good nights sleep. :-)

Sure, I still have to deal with him. There are children involved after all. However, I can finally move forward. It's such sweet relief. He no longer can try to hold anything over my head.

By the way, celebrating after with bubbly on an empty stomach cause I didn't eat anything before due to nerves...bad idea. Makes the head spin a bit at 1100.

Cheers, everyone!

Delivering Bad News

How do you break someone's heart?

I mean, knowingly sit them down and give them information that will crush them?

I never gave the Ex's feelings a single thought when I kicked him out. The only thought was the safety of my children and myself. When his actions persisted, it destroyed any remaining desire for reconciliation. I moved on. I had to. I can't say the same for him. Nearly two years later, as our divorce finally nears completion, he still professes his love. I'm sorry he still feels that way. I don't, however, feel any guilt over it. Not one iota.

Not the same for this other situation. After thirty some odd years on this earth, I've decided to make yet another big change in my life. I'm moving away from the church and the way my parents raised me. All their effort and desires are going to be for naught because I'm walking away from it all.

I imagine this might be a little how gays and lesbians feel. The burning desire to be who you are coupled with the fear of hurting those you love in the process.

This has been eating at me for a long time. This trying to make the right decision. I'm still not fully convinced its the right thing to do.  I did stop and ask myself, "could you walk away from the potential you see in your future, and stay on the expected path. Could you live with yourself?"

My answer was yes. Yes, I could continue to live the life I am expected to live. I could continue to raise my children as I was raised. I could live a lie, and I would be absolutely miserable.

The next question was, "can you live with the fallout?"  The fallout being the likelihood that I'm going to be disowned. The fallout of knowing I've once again disappointed my parents.

I've thought long and hard about this, and I don't know. I also don't know for certain what the fallout will be. My parents could react differently than I expect them to (unlikely) or they could react exactly like I expect them to, but later with more thought and reflection, they may decide that my decision wasn't the end of the world they expected.

Having come to the decision that I'm going to quit "hiding", the question is how to tell them. On one hand I'd like to give them a well thought out letter. Something that allows me to explain what I'm doing without the emotional drama of tears and yelling. Something that allows time for thoughtful reflection on exactly what I'm telling them.

On the other hand, do they have the right to hear it straight from me? To have their moment of pain, grief and lashing out?

I don't know which is right. I've been in situations where I would've liked the letter and the opportunity to compose myself that it enabled.  I've also been confronted with situations where a letter is not good enough. I want to look into the person's eyes and see their body language while they give me bad news.

Thoughts?

P.S. My mom called the other night. She said I didn't seem myself lately and she wanted to know if she could help me in any way. This is going to be so much harder than I thought. :(