Eventually

I was talking to a girlfriend today about babies and being pregnant.  She mentioned that she couldn't possibly imagine being older than she is now and pregnant. Specifically she referenced women in their 40's; those "bitches having babies are crazy!"  This led to a conversation about "eventually."

I think humans spend too much time waiting/wishing for what comes next and not enough focused on the now. Eventually creeps in and annoys even when we have a focused goal. All too often we lose track and feel like tomorrow will always be there....that we'll always have one more day, one more opportunity.  This is apparent when I listen to my kid's friends make comments like, "I can't wait until I'm 18."  If only they would enjoy the fleeting time of youth...you never get it back!

What about if you knew exactly when you were going to die?  Would it weigh upon you and make it hard to live your life? Would you make efforts to change your fate? Or would it encourage you to take every single day and live to its absolute fullest?

Since there is no way to know exactly how long we'll live, how much of your life have you spent waiting for something that was "eventually" going to happen? How do you feel if it never happens? Change goals? Redirect? Wallow in misery?

Eventually, I'll have enough saved to go on vacation.
Eventually, I'll be able to buy that house/car/whatever.
Eventually, I'll feel good enough.
Eventually, I'll lose twenty pounds.
Eventually, I'll be happy.
Eventually, I'll go back to school.
Eventually, I'll look for a different job.

Eventually, eventually, eventually, in an ever deepening rut, until there is no time left for eventually and instead it is just about regrets.

I have lots of regrets about the time when I was married.  I spent way too many years stressing and carrying other people's burdens.  I spent way too much time worrying about other people's expectations. I didn't spend nearly enough time relaxing and just being with my kids or trying/seeing/doing new things or being happy with who I was. I try to be better, but some days it is all so overwhelming. Then I get antsy and frustrated and angry.  I want to scream and cry and swear at people. It's hard not to project those feelings. I don't want be 60 or 70, and realize I realistically only have maybe a decade of time left. Looking back on the failure of my 20's is bad enough.

Sometimes it feels like trying to catch water. It seeps out between your fingers until there is nothing left but a damp reminder of what used to be. I think maybe you can't hold on to happiness and serenity and peace. You can only have it for a brief period of time. You have to figure out its source and then keep replenishing it.

Run, KK, Run

I've taken on some challenges this year. 

Mostly they're all leading up to a single challenge.

I want to complete a GRC.

What is it?  Honestly, that's a really good question.  It's a team event, not a race.Eight to ten hours, fifteen to twenty miles, and offers to under promise, over deliver. You can learn more about it here.  Watch one of the videos. I'll wait.

Intense, right?

I want to be one of those smiling people at the end. Exhausted, but rewarded. There's something that drives me that is difficult to express. It demands I be one of those people.

So, how do you get ready for this event that offers sketchy details at best?

For me, I'm weight lifting three times per week, doing my darnedest to increase my stamina, and taking on some other challenges along the way.

May - Capital City Marathon: Nothing too big here...a little 5 mile race. I'll be happy to just finish.

June - Goldsborough Creek Run: 7 miles. Just hope to have a faster time than the CCM.

June - Spartan Sprint:  If you've never heard of a Spartan Race, check this out!  For this one, I just hope to come out alive.

September - Tough Mudder: Assuming the Spartan Sprint doesn't break me, bring on the mud! Tough Mudder is almost four times as long as the SS with many more obstacles. Wanna peek? Click here.

And finally...

December - GoRuck Challenge: The pinnacle event of the year!

You may have noticed some time gaps there. I'm hoping to fill July, August, October and November with a race or challenge of some kind. 

I'll keep y'all posted!